so I'm gonna little have one more question and that's gonna be perception question and that's gonna be perception sevens so how do you suggest people to sevens so how do you suggest people to avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms and avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms and search for the root of the cause without search for the root of the cause without coming across as confrontational so I'm coming across as confrontational so I'm a little bit confused about what you a little bit confused about what you mean by coming across as confrontational mean by coming across as confrontational and I assume that I assume that what you and I assume that I assume that what you mean is you're trying to help someone mean is you're trying to help someone else because like I said like I don't else because like I said like I don't understand where the conflict is unless understand where the conflict is unless you're trying to tell someone that I you're trying to tell someone that I think you're relying on an unhealthy think you're relying on an unhealthy coping mechanism and you're not coping mechanism and you're not addressing the root cause addressing the root cause so what I would say is that first like so what I would say is that first like once again meet them where they're at once again meet them where they're at right so if if someone is using an right so if if someone is using an unhealthy coping mechanism and not unhealthy coping mechanism and not addressing the root of the problem you addressing the root of the problem you have to have them be willing to talk have to have them be willing to talk about it so if we look at like my about it so if we look at like my interview with Anna today Anna at the interview with Anna today Anna at the very end said this was something that I very end said this was something that I was not comfortable talking about and
was not comfortable talking about and yet I talked about it so the question is yet I talked about it so the question is like how is it that we can create a like how is it that we can create a conversation where Anna knows that conversation where Anna knows that there's something that she's scared to there's something that she's scared to talk about and she's still willing to talk about and she's still willing to talk about it and I think the way that talk about it and I think the way that you do that is by being non-judgmental you do that is by being non-judgmental and not forcing them right so like if and not forcing them right so like if someone let's say someone has a drinking someone let's say someone has a drinking problem and the reason that they're problem and the reason that they're drinking is because they're going drinking is because they're going through a divorce and you kind of tell through a divorce and you kind of tell them hey man like I think you need to go them hey man like I think you need to go see a therapist and deal with the like see a therapist and deal with the like your divorce instead of drinking so much your divorce instead of drinking so much they're gonna come back with a great big they're gonna come back with a great big screw you right so the way that you kind screw you right so the way that you kind of handle that is is you can say like of handle that is is you can say like you start with being like really you start with being like really non-judgmental and really open and if non-judgmental and really open and if they think that there's a there's like a they think that there's a there's like a problem with their coping mechanism problem with their coping mechanism start by asking them hey man like start by asking them hey man like sometimes I wonder if you drink too much sometimes I wonder if you drink too much like what do you think about that is like what do you think about that is that just me being a little bit like that just me being a little bit like judgmental or
judgmental or you know like what do you think about you know like what do you think about your drinking and you can just be like your drinking and you can just be like kind of open about that and then see kind of open about that and then see what they say and if they say yeah man what they say and if they say yeah man my drinking is completely fine like I my drinking is completely fine like I don't think it's a [ __ ] problem so don't think it's a [ __ ] problem so first of all that Clues you in that it first of all that Clues you in that it is a problem because it seems like it's is a problem because it seems like it's a sore point but it also means that a sore point but it also means that they're not ready to talk about it right they're not ready to talk about it right so then you kind of pause and you say so then you kind of pause and you say like oh okay so it sounds like you feel like oh okay so it sounds like you feel very strongly that your drinking is like very strongly that your drinking is like perfectly fine so my bad from bringing perfectly fine so my bad from bringing it up it up [Music] [Music] you know is it like if I if I if I seem you know is it like if I if I if I seem if I can't shake the idea that I think if I can't shake the idea that I think it's a problem is it okay if I bring it it's a problem is it okay if I bring it up with you again and if you sort of say up with you again and if you sort of say things in that neutral tone like it's things in that neutral tone like it's very hard to people for people to say very hard to people for people to say like no so often times they're like yeah like no so often times they're like yeah like if you really think it's problem like if you really think it's problem sure but it's not a problem sure but it's not a problem like that's the response that you're like that's the response that you're gonna get and even in that moment you gonna get and even in that moment you got a little in because you got got a little in because you got permission from them to bring it up permission from them to bring it up again and then you like approach them a again and then you like approach them a month later and then you're like hey so
month later and then you're like hey so I you know a couple weeks ago I asked I you know a couple weeks ago I asked you about drinking and you know you said you about drinking and you know you said it wasn't a problem but like last week it wasn't a problem but like last week you kind of got blackout drunk and like you kind of got blackout drunk and like threw up all over your sofa like it's threw up all over your sofa like it's hard for me to think that that's okay hard for me to think that that's okay period you're not asking a question period you're not asking a question you're not asking to do anything you're you're not asking to do anything you're making an observation and period so this making an observation and period so this is the other really neat technique you is the other really neat technique you guys need to understand if you want to guys need to understand if you want to talk to someone about something talk to someone about something don't ask questions because if you ask don't ask questions because if you ask question they feel like they're under question they feel like they're under attack what do you think about your attack what do you think about your drinking do you think your drinking is a drinking do you think your drinking is a problem like do you think maybe you problem like do you think maybe you should be drinking less it's attacking should be drinking less it's attacking you're attacking people don't attack you're attacking people don't attack silence plus statement statement plus silence plus statement statement plus silence in that order I noticed that you silence in that order I noticed that you threw up all over your couch period like they're gonna say something like like they're gonna say something like they can't tolerate that vacuum or that they can't tolerate that vacuum or that void so that's where that's what I'd say void so that's where that's what I'd say like you know you have to start by sort like you know you have to start by sort of talking to them and being open and
of talking to them and being open and being non-judgmental non-confrontational being non-judgmental non-confrontational and so notice that I said nothing about and so notice that I said nothing about searching for the route because we're so searching for the route because we're so far from searching from the route far from searching from the route they're not ready yet they're not ready yet you have to first acknowledge that you have to first acknowledge that they're using a coping mechanism and they're using a coping mechanism and that there is something deeper but that there is something deeper but unless they're willing to meet you unless they're willing to meet you halfway like talking about the deeper halfway like talking about the deeper problem doesn't matter if they don't problem doesn't matter if they don't think that there's a problem like you're think that there's a problem like you're not going to convince them yes so I would also agree with other people that like if you think that people that like if you think that someone has an unhealthy coping someone has an unhealthy coping mechanism or you feel like you have an mechanism or you feel like you have an unhealthy coping mechanism that's a unhealthy coping mechanism that's a great place to sort of start and think great place to sort of start and think about therapy