Why You Can't Stop Consuming Video Games & Anime

it's it's caused a lot of friction especially in high school and especially especially in high school and especially in college like i'm in the middle of in college like i'm in the middle of college right now college right now and and i mean people all they want to do is i mean people all they want to do is party dude i just i just want to play party dude i just i just want to play hearthstone hearthstone that's all i want to do welcome friend oh thank you thanks for having me it's oh thank you thanks for having me it's uh it's good to be here yeah thanks for uh it's good to be here yeah thanks for thanks for coming so help me uh let's thanks for coming so help me uh let's start with what do you go by start with what do you go by uh my full name is dominic but people uh my full name is dominic but people call me dom so okay call me dom so okay so dom and and what are we talking about so dom and and what are we talking about today today what's on your mind um what's on your mind um uh the biggest thing uh and i saw the uh uh the biggest thing uh and i saw the uh the stream subject it was a computer is the stream subject it was a computer is slowly ruining my life slowly ruining my life okay and okay and that's that's kind of that's that's kind of i guess that's the biggest that's the i guess that's the biggest that's the tip of the iceberg tip of the iceberg and i guess we're gonna explore deeper and i guess we're gonna explore deeper down as we as we go through down as we as we go through okay so that's interesting because you okay so that's interesting because you said it's the biggest and you said it's

said it's the biggest and you said it's the tip of the iceberg the tip of the iceberg that's true i did say that most obvious that's true i did say that most obvious how about that okay yeah so so it and how about that okay yeah so so it and i'm hearing if you're if we're gonna dig i'm hearing if you're if we're gonna dig down dom what i'm hearing is that maybe down dom what i'm hearing is that maybe like you said you kind of said that's like you said you kind of said that's that's what you see that's what you see like the behavior that you observe is like the behavior that you observe is that you you the computer is slowly that you you the computer is slowly ruining your life ruining your life yeah yeah and it's it's like yeah yeah and it's it's like it's not just computer it's it's not just computer it's the computer is kind of like the mode of the computer is kind of like the mode of transportation to a lot of things transportation to a lot of things uh uh i mean it could be i mean it could be comic books it could be manga it could comic books it could be manga it could be netflix video games i mean be netflix video games i mean reddit it does it doesn't matter reddit it does it doesn't matter i i i label the computer because i i i label the computer because that's what i use to get to my fix you that's what i use to get to my fix you know okay know okay so help me understand what what why do so help me understand what what why do you say that the computer is slowly you say that the computer is slowly ruining your life what does that mean ruining your life what does that mean um

i think i think the biggest thing i mean by that is i have a lot of goals i mean by that is i have a lot of goals outside of electronic things outside of electronic things uh uh i want to learn bass guitar i think my i want to learn bass guitar i think my bass is in frame yeah i'm trying to bass is in frame yeah i'm trying to learn bass guitar funny enough i need to learn bass guitar funny enough i need to use the computer to learn bass guitar use the computer to learn bass guitar um i want to learn how to play right um i want to learn how to play right skateboard a lot of skateboard a lot of academic goals and academic goals and sports goals i run track and field sports goals i run track and field the university and the university and it's it's it's hard it's hard to run a track it's hard it's hard to run a track practice on little amounts of sleep when practice on little amounts of sleep when you're gaming all night so you're gaming all night so hmm okay um so it sounds like you're not happy with yourself for not being able to achieve yourself for not being able to achieve your goals your goals yeah yeah there's a yeah yeah there's a there's a lot of frustration um there's a lot of frustration um can you hold on just one second can you hold on just one second there we go there we go i just realized i forgot to switch over i just realized i forgot to switch over the overlay so people haven't been able

the overlay so people haven't been able to see you until now oh unlucky i'm not to see you until now oh unlucky i'm not right we fixed it right we fixed it thank you now now check and see me you thank you now now check and see me you know prior to the computer we have this know prior to the computer we have this boomer device called a phone and boomer device called a phone and sometimes my my sometimes my my team has to contact me it's like it's team has to contact me it's like it's like a miniature computer that can do like a miniature computer that can do very few things very few things dude that's that sounds really useful dude that's that sounds really useful and helpful and helpful in your pocket in your pocket it it it's like a device that can solely it it it's like a device that can solely do voice chat well you can you can do do voice chat well you can you can do dms sort of we call them texts dms sort of we call them texts whoa crazy kind of like emails kind of whoa crazy kind of like emails kind of like short emails yeah it's like a short like short emails yeah it's like a short email exactly yeah email exactly yeah um so you sound uh um so you sound uh oh oh a little bit frustrated that you're a little bit frustrated that you're you're not sort of achieving your goals you're not sort of achieving your goals yeah uh a little bit is kind of an yeah uh a little bit is kind of an understatement um understatement um there there are times when because i there there are times when because i used to i used to think i didn't have an

used to i used to think i didn't have an anger anger and and i used to kind of just like bury it in a i used to kind of just like bury it in a sense or maybe just ignore it not kind sense or maybe just ignore it not kind of bury it because of bury it because it kind of just explodes it kind of just explodes but but when when over the past year it came to points over the past year it came to points where i just had nothing to do and i where i just had nothing to do and i didn't want to play video games but i didn't want to play video games but i didn't know how to do anything else didn't know how to do anything else right i didn't know how to go skateboard right i didn't know how to go skateboard i couldn't practice space because i i couldn't practice space because i didn't own one um didn't own one um i couldn't start journaling because i i couldn't start journaling because i didn't own any journals right so like didn't own any journals right so like the only thing i could do while in the only thing i could do while in quarantine after i finished my homework quarantine after i finished my homework was play video games and was play video games and i guess when i guess when it came to the point where i like it came to the point where i like acknowledged my anger at myself acknowledged my anger at myself i don't know how to play piano and i'm i don't know how to play piano and i'm frustrated with that you know i'm not frustrated with that you know i'm not i'm not getting the grades that i wanted i'm not getting the grades that i wanted to so i'm frustrated with that you know to so i'm frustrated with that you know i'm not i'm not running the track and field times that i running the track and field times that i wish i was you know and i'm frustrated wish i was you know and i'm frustrated with that it kind of just explodes and i with that it kind of just explodes and i got you know i gotta go take a steaming got you know i gotta go take a steaming walk outside walk outside and and make sure it's uh well steaming as an

make sure it's uh well steaming as an i'm steaming i'm steaming uh uh what what what what explodes explodes well it kind well it kind of like my face gets red of like my face gets red um um i can't focus on one thing i can't focus on one thing like i'll think about one thing that's like i'll think about one thing that's upsetting and then i'll just think about upsetting and then i'll just think about the next thing and then i'll just think the next thing and then i'll just think about the next thing and i'll just think about the next thing and i'll just think about the next thing about the next thing and it kind of just gets out of control and it kind of just gets out of control and all of a sudden i'm not thinking and all of a sudden i'm not thinking about what i initially thought about about what i initially thought about right and all of a sudden i'm angry at right and all of a sudden i'm angry at my parents or i'm angry at politics or my parents or i'm angry at politics or i'm angry at youtube or i'm angry at i'm angry at youtube or i'm angry at the current smash bros meta right like the current smash bros meta right like it doesn't matter what it is i just i it doesn't matter what it is i just i get just frustrated with stuff get just frustrated with stuff yeah yeah yeah sometimes you know i'll joke about yeah sometimes you know i'll joke about people becoming anger elementals people becoming anger elementals yeah and and what i'm sort of noticing yeah and and what i'm sort of noticing is that your anger will find is that your anger will find something like you feel the anger and it something like you feel the anger and it seems like it's looking for some kind of seems like it's looking for some kind of outlet to latch onto outlet to latch onto whether it's parents or

whether it's parents or the meta in a video game and that each the meta in a video game and that each thing that you engage with with like thing that you engage with with like actually like boosts up the anger more actually like boosts up the anger more yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely yeah definitely that's it that's a good way to put it that's it that's a good way to put it so help me understand um don so help me understand um don okay let me just okay let me just lay a couple things out okay so here's lay a couple things out okay so here's what i think we can talk about what i think we can talk about um you know i want to better understand um you know i want to better understand what what what it means when you say like computer what it means when you say like computer games are ruining your life games are ruining your life because what i see is you know you're because what i see is you know you're like like you seem to have a touch of the chad you seem to have a touch of the chad within you within you like you're in school you run track and like you're in school you run track and field field you know you're learning like you have a you know you're learning like you have a bass guitar it sounds like you're not bass guitar it sounds like you're not very good but that very good but that you know you're you know you're you know there's there's you know there's there's i i can imagine i know it sounds kind of i i can imagine i know it sounds kind of weird but like i can imagine that a lot weird but like i can imagine that a lot of people who are walking uh watching of people who are walking uh watching would actually like envy certain parts would actually like envy certain parts of your life and wish they could do what of your life and wish they could do what you wanted to do you wanted to do yeah so i'm curious about you know how

yeah so i'm curious about you know how video games are ruining your life video games are ruining your life i also think that we may wind up talking i also think that we may wind up talking a little bit about you know two a little bit about you know two directions which is like where does that directions which is like where does that anger come from because it seems like anger come from because it seems like the anger can choose to get mad about the anger can choose to get mad about any sort of thing any sort of thing and what we tend to do is we say when we and what we tend to do is we say when we get mad about something that the thing get mad about something that the thing is where the anger is coming from is where the anger is coming from but if you like you know if you have but if you like you know if you have someone who's emotionally angry they can someone who's emotionally angry they can get angry about anything and it actually get angry about anything and it actually if you really pay attention it seems if you really pay attention it seems like the anger is not caused by politics like the anger is not caused by politics or the smash brothers meta or the smash brothers meta but that those are triggers for the but that those are triggers for the anger that's already inside anger that's already inside so we may talk about that and the last so we may talk about that and the last thing that um thing that um really i think this could be interesting really i think this could be interesting is we can try to understand like why do is we can try to understand like why do you have these goals in the first place you have these goals in the first place like where do goals come from how does like where do goals come from how does our mind decide hey i want to do this our mind decide hey i want to do this thing thing because what you're doing is you're kind because what you're doing is you're kind of setting a goal for yourself and of setting a goal for yourself and you're buying yourself frustration by

you're buying yourself frustration by not achieving it not achieving it yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a it's a like a discounted price of the anger like a discounted price of the anger ticket i guess ticket i guess exactly right so that's a great that's a exactly right so that's a great that's a great way to put it so what great way to put it so what does that sound okay to you do those does that sound okay to you do those topics seem like they would interest you topics seem like they would interest you or be honest maybe okay i mean or be honest maybe okay i mean especially because it's like especially because it's like i've seen i've seen streams i've watched i've seen i've seen streams i've watched i love this i love this channel dude i love this i love this channel dude this place is this is not a cult no this place is this is not a cult no matter what uh chat says matter what uh chat says but i'm part of the dr k colts so but i'm part of the dr k colts so there it is there it is it was a pro cult face it was a pro cult face phrase phrase there is of course and so yeah i know there is of course and so yeah i know how these streams can how these streams can kind of go where we didn't even expect kind of go where we didn't even expect it so it's like as long as we just get it so it's like as long as we just get going and get rolling let's do it i'm going and get rolling let's do it i'm telling you pumped and excited how are telling you pumped and excited how are computer games ruining your life computer games ruining your life um um they they i use them i use them to cope and i use i use them i use them to cope and i use them to

i use them instead of things that i wish i was doing i was doing includes the talents and the things i'm includes the talents and the things i'm working on that includes hanging out working on that includes hanging out with friends or going on with dates with friends or going on with dates and i don't like playing video games and i don't like playing video games as much as i used to as much as i used to um um and and when i say as much as i used to i wanna when i say as much as i used to i wanna i wanna like go into that like explain i wanna like go into that like explain that a bit because that a bit because uh although i have a little bit like uh although i have a little bit like sure like i have a touch of the chad sure like i have a touch of the chad within me um it's it i was the lucky one within me um it's it i was the lucky one in my family to get the chad within me in my family to get the chad within me none of my friends none of my brothers none of my friends none of my brothers or sisters are athletic or sisters are athletic uh uh my dad uh my dad uh actually i can't play basketball actually i can't play basketball ironically ironically because when i asked my dad to because when i asked my dad to teach me how to play basketball he said teach me how to play basketball he said he didn't know how to either then he he didn't know how to either then he just took me inside and showed me his just took me inside and showed me his gamecube because he loved gamecube right gamecube because he loved gamecube right and then we played rts's online and and then we played rts's online and dawn of war dawn of war lord of the rings battle for middle lord of the rings battle for middle earth i mean earth i mean what all the age of empires uh

what all the age of empires uh that i just gamed with him that's how we that i just gamed with him that's how we bonded right bonded right so so video games kind of became video games kind of became that thing for me right that thing for me right i i wouldn't i i wouldn't just a quick question why the the when just a quick question why the the when you say it's ironic that i can't play you say it's ironic that i can't play basketball is that because you're black basketball is that because you're black is that why you're saying it's sorry is that why you're saying it's sorry missing something there uh missing something there uh there's a touch of it it's all jokes there's a touch of it it's all jokes have it's like a pie chart right so it's have it's like a pie chart right so it's like i am black i'm athletic like i am black i'm athletic um i'm tall i'm like six three and i um i'm tall i'm like six three and i have big hands and everyone always have big hands and everyone always assumes i play basketball okay okay so assumes i play basketball okay okay so it's not just the color of your skin it's not just the color of your skin it's also your height and yeah yeah okay it's also your height and yeah yeah okay i just wanted to understand why why is i just wanted to understand why why is it ironic that you know it ironic that you know a gamer can't play basketball i just a gamer can't play basketball i just lost me there yes i people people i mean lost me there yes i people people i mean people never see me as a gamer right people never see me as a gamer right they never they never they never they never pictured me to be that guy you know um pictured me to be that guy you know um funny funny thing

funny funny thing yeah well when i when i was a kid yeah well when i when i was a kid um i moved into this new area and i was um i moved into this new area and i was hanging out with a bunch of guys hanging out with a bunch of guys and these people were talking about and these people were talking about naruto naruto and and one of my good friends today one of my good friends today he wasn't a good friend then because i he wasn't a good friend then because i was just meeting him he turned to me was just meeting him he turned to me he's like don't pay attention to those he's like don't pay attention to those losers right he literally said that i losers right he literally said that i was like dude what's wrong with naruto was like dude what's wrong with naruto like that show's sick and all the losers like that show's sick and all the losers like freaked out they're like oh like freaked out they're like oh this guy knows this guy knows and he's one of us and he's one of us he's one of us he's one of us and and uh uh it's funny though it's funny though he looks like a chad he had the heart of he looks like a chad he had the heart of a weeb a weeb dude oh no i i try not to be a weeb i dude oh no i i try not to be a weeb i try not to i can't try not to i can't sorry it sounded like you're about to sorry it sounded like you're about to say something important i couldn't help say something important i couldn't help myself well it kind of like it kind of myself well it kind of like it kind of goes into goes into another facet of like why video games another facet of like why video games and and manga and anime and comics are ruining manga and anime and comics are ruining my life because my life because although although like once i said like what's wrong with like once i said like what's wrong with naruto all the chads in that group like

naruto all the chads in that group like immediately dismissed me like immediately dismissed me like immediately like oh he's one of them immediately like oh he's one of them right not one of us one of them right not one of us one of them and and throughout the school year like they throughout the school year like they just just it didn't invite me out as much as they it didn't invite me out as much as they did within that first week of me meeting did within that first week of me meeting them i kind of hung out with those losers quote unquote quote unquote um but their schedules and their um but their schedules and their motivations and their goals didn't line motivations and their goals didn't line up up so much with what i kind of wanted to do so much with what i kind of wanted to do with my life with my life so i ended up just distancing myself so i ended up just distancing myself from that group from that group without having a connection to any other without having a connection to any other group and i kind of just ended up alone group and i kind of just ended up alone you know i kind of just you know i kind of just ended up playing video games by myself ended up playing video games by myself for a long time for a long time um um and it that that kind of happens and it that that kind of happens uh a lot throughout my life and uh a lot throughout my life and it's that weird balance between being a it's that weird balance between being a weeb weeb and being big gamer reddit mode reddit and being big gamer reddit mode reddit chad

chad uh uh and kind of just being a normal person and kind of just being a normal person quote-unquote right quote-unquote right um um it's it's caused a lot of friction it's it's caused a lot of friction especially in high school and especially especially in high school and especially in college like i'm in the middle of in college like i'm in the middle of college right now college right now and and i mean people all they want to do is i mean people all they want to do is party dude i just i just want to play party dude i just i just want to play hearthstone hearthstone that's all i want to do how do you feel about yourself for just wanting to play hearthstone wanting to play hearthstone dude at times dude at times like a loser i'm like dude i really am a like a loser i'm like dude i really am a loser like what what the heck i can't loser like what what the heck i can't not go out right or i can't not stay in not go out right or i can't not stay in um um i mean a couple weeks ago i like binged i mean a couple weeks ago i like binged all of attack on titan in like three all of attack on titan in like three days from friday to sunday days from friday to sunday instead of doing anything else including instead of doing anything else including working out right working out right um and that like i i skipped i got sent um and that like i i skipped i got sent workouts by my coach for the summer he's workouts by my coach for the summer he's like hey use these like hey use these uh uh and get in shape and i just stayed in and get in shape and i just stayed in watched anime all day at night watched anime all day at night and

and i'm super ashamed to it i know he'll i'm super ashamed to it i know he'll never watch this so i can say it i mean never watch this so i can say it i mean i ended up lying to him on monday i was i ended up lying to him on monday i was like yeah i did the workout and these like yeah i did the workout and these were my times were my times this is what i did this is what i did um um i just felt super ashamed and angry at i just felt super ashamed and angry at myself for that right like not only can myself for that right like not only can i not just go work out because the i not just go work out because the workout only took like an hour and a workout only took like an hour and a half right i can pause attack on titan half right i can pause attack on titan for an hour and a half for an hour and a half and come back and watch it right and come back and watch it right but i mean i apparently didn't then but i mean i apparently didn't then you'll lose the race you'll lose the race of watching attack on time within a of watching attack on time within a whole weekend before anyone else and whole weekend before anyone else and then it's just like then it's just like i even watched it and it's it's not done i even watched it and it's it's not done right it's not caught up to the manga right it's not caught up to the manga immediately as soon as the last episode immediately as soon as the last episode ended i just hopped onto my manga ended i just hopped onto my manga website and just read the rest of it website and just read the rest of it like i just i couldn't not stop like i just i couldn't not stop i needed to consume i needed to consume the whole the whole thing thing and then i was done you know and then i was done you know and it's kind of with everything right and it's kind of with everything right uh uh i read the boys all in one weekend the

i read the boys all in one weekend the comic out there like comic out there like the boys in berserk are two two comics the boys in berserk are two two comics that i read when i was relatively young that i read when i was relatively young when i was like 13 14. when i was like 13 14. and those are pretty and those are pretty heavy heavy manga and comics to read you know heavy manga and comics to read you know heavy subject heavy subject heavy concepts and i just read it all in a concepts and i just read it all in a weekend even though it's like training weekend even though it's like training on me mentally and i just on me mentally and i just and like looking back now when i think and like looking back now when i think about my 13 year old little brother i about my 13 year old little brother i was like dude i don't even want him to was like dude i don't even want him to think about berserk right it's just such think about berserk right it's just such a a kind of graphic kind of graphic subject matter subject matter and and i even though i i even though i felt drained reading it felt drained reading it i just i just flew right through it i needed to right flew right through it i needed to right my i wouldn't allow myself to not stop my i wouldn't allow myself to not stop what does it mean to need to consume what does it mean to need to consume what does that need it's it feels like

at times like i i end up looking at myself i'm like man i'm just a machine myself i'm like man i'm just a machine like i just i input these like i just i input these i input this material whether it's the i input this material whether it's the primal tv show right the cartoon network primal tv show right the cartoon network samurai jack samurai jack or adventure time or anything or adventure time or anything and and i log it right i catalog it like oh i i log it right i catalog it like oh i know all of this stuff know all of this stuff i know all the lurthering fun facts i know all the lurthering fun facts right i know all the harry potter right i know all the harry potter secrets secrets and then i just move on to the next one and then i just move on to the next one you know it's like i you know it's like i i feel like i'm just trying to fill i feel like i'm just trying to fill something that i can't be filled you something that i can't be filled you know when i look back at it when i when know when i look back at it when i when i'm in it when i'm in the mode i'm just i'm in it when i'm in the mode i'm just enjoying it right i'm watching it i'm enjoying it right i'm watching it i'm just doing what feels natural you know just doing what feels natural you know and it's in a sense and it's in a sense and like i'm like oh just watch just and like i'm like oh just watch just watch just watch watch just watch when i look back i'm like man what did i when i look back i'm like man what did i just do like i just skipped workouts for just do like i just skipped workouts for this i just it's going to be there right this i just it's going to be there right it's going to be there in 10 years it's going to be there in 10 years watch it then watch it then you know don the way that you're talking you know don the way that you're talking about it actually makes me think about about it actually makes me think about addiction

addiction so what you're describing to me like so what you're describing to me like actually reminds me of like patients actually reminds me of like patients that that go on benders go on benders you know like like you know like like and they kind of like wake up the next and they kind of like wake up the next like you wake up on wednesday morning like you wake up on wednesday morning and you kind of look around and you're and you kind of look around and you're like oh my god like oh my god where did where what happened where did where did where what happened where did my time go what have i been it's like my time go what have i been it's like it's sort of like there's like a very it's sort of like there's like a very cloudy awareness cloudy awareness that feels like that feels like primal and hedonistic primal and hedonistic you know and then and you're not really you know and then and you're not really like you just need to consume it sounds like you just need to consume it sounds very very you know base to me you know base to me yeah yeah i i can yeah yeah i i can definitely see it like that especially definitely see it like that especially i mean it's like the hangover gamer i mean it's like the hangover gamer edition right edition right i guess like i guess like it just i don't text people while i do it i guess as well like i just guess as well like i just like if someone reaches out to me like if someone reaches out to me i like won't respond or i'll say like

i like won't respond or i'll say like sorry i'm busy doing something else sorry i'm busy doing something else and and what goes through your head when you say what goes through your head when you say sorry i'm busy like that's it like i just say like sorry i got it sorry i got it like i don't want to it's not saying like i don't want to it's not saying like man i gotta think of this like man i gotta think of this convoluted convoluted plot to plot to convince them i'm busy it's like i i convince them i'm busy it's like i i don't want to go hang out with them so don't want to go hang out with them so i'm just going to tell them i'm busy i'm just going to tell them i'm busy yeah not not so much like oh yeah not not so much like oh i got a i got a front that i'm so front that i'm so active outside you know active outside you know yeah yeah so i i know it sounds kind of weird but so i i know it sounds kind of weird but you know what what do you think it is you know what what do you think it is that you're trying to fill up that you're trying to fill up with all of the anime um it could just be time it could just be time uh it's always come to a point like the reason why i'm reaching out now in a the reason why i'm reaching out now in a sense is because i've never before

sense is because i've never before skipped workouts to watch anime or watch skipped workouts to watch anime or watch a show or play video games or read a a show or play video games or read a comic comic i've always been able to like i've always been able to like parallel them within my life you know parallel them within my life you know keep them separate like i got to work keep them separate like i got to work out now i got to get up for 4 a.m out now i got to get up for 4 a.m workouts so i'm going to bed at 8 30 workouts so i'm going to bed at 8 30 right i'm gonna i'm gonna do what i need right i'm gonna i'm gonna do what i need to do to make sure my outside life is to do to make sure my outside life is successful um successful um within the past within the past year within the past within the past year it's kind of just it's kind of just spiraled out of control you know yeah spiraled out of control you know yeah and a lot a lot of it could be because and a lot a lot of it could be because like school canceled and workouts were like school canceled and workouts were canceled so i was like dude all the time canceled so i was like dude all the time in the world to play video games like i in the world to play video games like i can do what i've been wanting to do can do what i've been wanting to do since i was 11 years old since i was 11 years old and and man i again i just consumed like i just man i again i just consumed like i just i got this game called vermintide 2 for i got this game called vermintide 2 for my dad for my uh for birthday present my dad for my uh for birthday present and i just played the heck out of it i and i just played the heck out of it i mean all summer i just played and played mean all summer i just played and played and played and played and then i got guild wars 2. like it and then i got guild wars 2. like it doesn't matter what kind of game you

doesn't matter what kind of game you know like whatever game i just get know like whatever game i just get attached to slay the spire attached to slay the spire played a lot of like played a lot of like i'll get it for one weekend i'll get it for one weekend and i'll play it for like and i'll play it for like 30 40 hours 30 40 hours within five six days within five six days and then i'll kind of get sick of it and and then i'll kind of get sick of it and then i'll move on and then i'll move on and i mean i mean perfect example is this last christmas perfect example is this last christmas break when school was a thing so in 2019 break when school was a thing so in 2019 to 2020 christmas break to 2020 christmas break um um i bought myself a christmas present of i bought myself a christmas present of uh star wars knights of the republic one uh star wars knights of the republic one and two and two and for those two weeks and for those two weeks i i spent like 41 hours i i spent like 41 hours on the first game and then the next week on the first game and then the next week i spent like 36 hours on the second game i spent like 36 hours on the second game i just beat it and i just played right i just beat it and i just played right through and then like i'll like look at like snapchat like instagram and i'll be like seeing all instagram and i'll be like seeing all these people going on trips these people going on trips and and hanging out with hanging out with each hanging out with hanging out with each other and like other and like hanging out like down the street right hanging out like down the street right they're hanging out in the city right

they're hanging out in the city right next to i live i'm like man it'd be fun next to i live i'm like man it'd be fun to it'd be fun to uh go hang out to it'd be fun to uh go hang out i'll just i'll just continue to game right i won't even continue to game right i won't even reach out to them reach out to them i like i like i'll get angry at them for not reaching i'll get angry at them for not reaching out to me i'd be like oh i wouldn't be out to me i'd be like oh i wouldn't be playing this video game if they reached playing this video game if they reached out to me you know out to me you know and like these guys love me they would and like these guys love me they would be so down to hang out with me if i be so down to hang out with me if i reached out to them reached out to them like i get in this point where i'm like like i get in this point where i'm like angry at them for not reaching out to me angry at them for not reaching out to me so i like just continue playing you know so i like just continue playing you know that makes sense is that is that a that makes sense is that is that a makes a lot of sense makes a lot of sense can can maybe i can share with you what i heard maybe i can share with you what i heard and then you tell me if it makes sense and then you tell me if it makes sense so i i am getting the sense that you you so i i am getting the sense that you you really do have like almost like this really do have like almost like this kind of compulsion kind of thing where kind of compulsion kind of thing where like you'll you'll sort of like like you'll you'll sort of like willingly kind of dive into this right willingly kind of dive into this right and you'll come up for air like a week and you'll come up for air like a week later later and then it it's in those moments of and then it it's in those moments of like when your head breaks the surface like when your head breaks the surface of the water and you're like looking of the water and you're like looking around that you're like oh hold on

around that you're like oh hold on there's a life there's a life that exists outside of this that exists outside of this and then you'll kind of blame yourself and then you'll kind of blame yourself for for diving underwater for so long you'll diving underwater for so long you'll blame other people for not pulling you blame other people for not pulling you above water above water there's like some amount of there's like some amount of self-loathing like you know you'll blame self-loathing like you know you'll blame anything and everything anything and everything for for putting you into these situations and putting you into these situations and then you take a deep breath and then you then you take a deep breath and then you play cotor2 play cotor2 [Laughter] [Laughter] yeah yeah right that's we'll put right that's we'll put that's why you're the doctor man the that's why you're the doctor man the cult leader cult leader i mean i mean you're the one who shared it bro you're the one who shared it bro i'm just i'm just repeating it back repeating it back um um and so what do you think it is that you and so what do you think it is that you know what goes through your head between know what goes through your head between kotor 1 and kotor 2. um or is that is that really it was it was or is that is that really it was it was or not did you not come up for air or not did you not come up for air between those two yeah i don't think i between those two yeah i don't think i came up here between those two i mean it came up here between those two i mean it just just and the the problem is is i and the the problem is is i those games are some of the best games

those games are some of the best games of all time i freaking i love those of all time i freaking i love those games and i recommend them to everybody games and i recommend them to everybody i bought them for my cousin because i i bought them for my cousin because i was like yo dude you need this game was like yo dude you need this game and it's like i enjoy the things i do and it's like i enjoy the things i do like these binges i enjoy the the like these binges i enjoy the the characters characters i enjoy i enjoy reading like i read the invincible reading like i read the invincible comics like when i was like comics like when i was like 18 and i read them all in like a week 18 and i read them all in like a week like again a weekend and i just loved it like again a weekend and i just loved it and then the show came out and i was and then the show came out and i was like dude like dude i'm so pumped and it's actually i'm so pumped and it's actually actually a funny story because i was actually a funny story because i was hanging out with a girl and i was hanging out with a girl and i was scrolling through youtube and we were scrolling through youtube and we were talking and i could like tell like talking and i could like tell like things were moving to a point of like things were moving to a point of like physical intimacy right and then i saw physical intimacy right and then i saw the trailer for invincible on youtube i the trailer for invincible on youtube i was like there i have to watch this like was like there i have to watch this like you are going to be put on pause for you are going to be put on pause for like 10 minutes so i can watch this like 10 minutes so i can watch this and then i and then i then i think jk simmons was like the then i think jk simmons was like the voice act i was just losing my mind i voice act i was just losing my mind i was like there's and i ended up nothing was like there's and i ended up nothing happening because i was so worked up on

happening because i was so worked up on invincible in this new show coming out invincible in this new show coming out and it was it's just a funny thing kind and it was it's just a funny thing kind of just like how my priorities like of just like how my priorities like shift to like these shift to like these these mediums of these mediums of entertainment you know whatever it is entertainment you know whatever it is don i'm getting the sense that you're don i'm getting the sense that you're kind of stuck between two worlds kind of stuck between two worlds like yeah like yeah yeah uh yeah uh continue sorry sorry i was just agreeing continue sorry sorry i was just agreeing with you with you how tell me about that how tell me about that um and you again you guys know i'm i run track and field and it's not that i just track and field and it's not that i just run track and field like i'm i'm pretty run track and field like i'm i'm pretty good good and i have a lot of potential and i have a lot of potential and i mean like putting it say i and i mean like putting it say i wouldn't be able to pay for college wouldn't be able to pay for college without track and field you know like without track and field you know like without without it's basically like a job and it's not it's basically like a job and it's not only it's it's it can be a lifestyle there's people people and new people who would go to college and new people who would go to college just to be the track athlete at their

just to be the track athlete at their favorite college favorite college and and to me it was always kind of just like to me it was always kind of just like something that i saw and i was like something that i saw and i was like that's weird that they that's weird that they care about track this much care about track this much and and then i would come you know come to these then i would come you know come to these binges and come out and kind of be binges and come out and kind of be jealous of them right because they're jealous of them right because they're going to the parties going to the parties they're they're you know like them just running track you know like them just running track and field is like what they and field is like what they desire and what they strive for right desire and what they strive for right and me being blessed and talented and me being blessed and talented at kind of just being at kind of just being a means to the end a means to an end a means to the end a means to an end right right i just i feel i just i feel like what's like what's like i want to be part of that right and like i want to be part of that right and like like we've kind of pointed out like like we've kind of pointed out before it's like so i'll try to push before it's like so i'll try to push myself towards that right but it'll be myself towards that right but it'll be friction and it'll be kind of unwanted friction and it'll be kind of unwanted because i've never been a partier you because i've never been a partier you know i don't drink i don't smoke i don't know i don't drink i don't smoke i don't know do anything like that and know do anything like that and kind of just trying to like fit myself kind of just trying to like fit myself in these in these placeholders placeholders and like and like cause

really close with my family and i'm really close with friends that and i'm really close with friends that are like like family you know um are like like family you know um and i think when i when i kind of and i think when i when i kind of self-analyze myself like that's where a self-analyze myself like that's where a lot of this is coming from lot of this is coming from uh my fam they game that that's my thing uh my fam they game that that's my thing that's my family thing we have this huge that's my family thing we have this huge land room in our living room where like land room in our living room where like there's four pcs set up and all of us there's four pcs set up and all of us have steam accounts and all of us buy have steam accounts and all of us buy these games and we'll just play from these games and we'll just play from like like 3 p.m to 2 a.m right we'll buy terraria 3 p.m to 2 a.m right we'll buy terraria when there's a when it's on sale and when there's a when it's on sale and we'll just grind it we'll just play it we'll just grind it we'll just play it and play it and play it we'll order and play it and play it we'll order pizza pizza it doesn't matter that's just it doesn't matter that's just what we do and it didn't it didn't like really occur to me like how unhealthy that can be

me like how unhealthy that can be uh for kids because i i mean i started uh for kids because i i mean i started doing that when i was like 11. doing that when i was like 11. i when terraria first came out like my i when terraria first came out like my dad and i played terraria until like 3 dad and i played terraria until like 3 a.m for like four nights in a row a.m for like four nights in a row and that's one of like some of the and that's one of like some of the greatest memories i have with my dad you greatest memories i have with my dad you know but when i think back to him like know but when i think back to him like i'm a nutrition major right i'm learning i'm a nutrition major right i'm learning about how important sleep is for young about how important sleep is for young kids i was like holy cow what was my dad kids i was like holy cow what was my dad doing like why didn't he just tell me to doing like why didn't he just tell me to go to bed and we could just play in the go to bed and we could just play in the morning you know morning you know and i come back and i see i see my and i come back and i see i see my younger brothers doing that thing younger brothers doing that thing the same the same type of patterns and the same the same type of patterns and safe type of things and like going safe type of things and like going through the same struggles through the same struggles i went through you know as a teenager i went through you know as a teenager and a lot of that's just teenager and a lot of that's just teenager struggles right struggles right it's tough being a junior high kid it's tough being a junior high kid um um and i get and i get angry right like like like like we said angry right like like like like we said earlier i get i get mad earlier i get i get mad and i also get mad that like that's how and i also get mad that like that's how we we again like that's what i care about like again like that's what i care about like i care about my family i care about my family that's how we bond you know

that's how we bond you know why does that make you angry um a big thing a big thing is because i've put so much time so much is because i've put so much time so much of my time of my time as a youth into as a youth into these useless games these useless games like on war 3 is one of the greatest rts like on war 3 is one of the greatest rts games of all time in my mind right and games of all time in my mind right and i've put hundreds of hours into it i've put hundreds of hours into it like i look at them think myself like like i look at them think myself like what if i put hundreds of hours what if i put hundreds of hours into like drawing right into like drawing right or theater or bass guitar or skateboard or theater or bass guitar or skateboard right right something that would something that would something that just doesn't something that just doesn't leave me empty you know something that leave me empty you know something that doesn't doesn't kind of just drain me like it does and i kind of just drain me like it does and i get mad because i get mad that i didn't get mad because i get mad that i didn't have have the supervisors or like the adult the supervisors or like the adult supervision to supervision to ward me against that you know and i i i ward me against that you know and i i i don't have a problem with video games in

don't have a problem with video games in moderation moderation like like but when i go through these binges and i but when i go through these binges and i go and i look back how many hours i've go and i look back how many hours i've wasted on cs go wasted on cs go like that's just it's so pointless like that's just it's so pointless right i'm not i don't want to go pro why right i'm not i don't want to go pro why am i spending so much time on this am i spending so much time on this like i could be doing literally anything like i could be doing literally anything and it's like i could be reading you and it's like i could be reading you know i've so i've bought so many books know i've so i've bought so many books i've gotten to like the last four i've gotten to like the last four chapters and then like i just fizzle out chapters and then like i just fizzle out you know don it sounds to me like you've wasted a fair amount of your life or lost a fair fair amount of your life or lost a fair amount of your life yeah yeah it's a it's a big it could be especially it's a it's a big it could be especially especially from ages like 10 especially from ages like 10 to like 17 to like 17 i just i just so my parents got divorced when i was 10 so my parents got divorced when i was 10 years old years old and and they it's hard seeing your parents go through divorce divorce when you're not old enough to kind of when you're not old enough to kind of understand why

understand why you're not young enough to like just you're not young enough to like just accept it as is you know um accept it as is you know um it's it's it's hard seeing like kind of seeing it's hard seeing like kind of seeing your parents break down because you have your parents break down because you have these these like immortal pictures of these these like immortal pictures of your parents your parents in your mind and then seeing them just in your mind and then seeing them just kind of be kind of be human and like worthless in your mind human and like worthless in your mind uh uh like again i just like there was one like again i just like there was one time time my dad was like feeding us you know fish my dad was like feeding us you know fish sticks because that's all he had and he sticks because that's all he had and he just couldn't stop shaking because of just couldn't stop shaking because of how sad he was and i remember like how sad he was and i remember like looking like like he's like that's so looking like like he's like that's so like that's so sad you know i just like that's so sad you know i just thought that and then my mom kind of thought that and then my mom kind of just reclused herself right just reclused herself right and i guess i guess from that point and i guess i guess from that point like it's where these like it's where these i just kind of threw myself into video i just kind of threw myself into video games and i games and i we had the lutheran discs we had the lutheran discs at home the lord movie discs and i just at home the lord movie discs and i just consumed all of it dude i went through consumed all of it dude i went through every special features

every special features i went through every second of the movie i went through every second of the movie and i watched every little bit of it i and i watched every little bit of it i did that with like every movie i ended did that with like every movie i ended up going through like this because back up going through like this because back in the 2000s right we had these huge cd in the 2000s right we had these huge cd cases or like these little hand flips cases or like these little hand flips like like cd books right cd books right and i would and i would we had tons of them and i would just we had tons of them and i would just watch over and over and over and i'd watch over and over and over and i'd went through every single one of them it went through every single one of them it didn't matter what it was right i didn't matter what it was right i remember watching uh live laugh love remember watching uh live laugh love when i was like 10 years old or like 11 when i was like 10 years old or like 11 years old and it's super chick flicky years old and it's super chick flicky movie but it just it didn't matter to me movie but it just it didn't matter to me right it was like that's the next one right it was like that's the next one next cd right and it's like thinking next cd right and it's like thinking back i'm like wow like that's that was a back i'm like wow like that's that was a real girly movie real girly movie but but done what done what what was it like what was it like what did you understand about your what did you understand about your parents divorce can you parents divorce can you um um i just understood they were splitting i just understood they were splitting uh uh they're pretty volatile at times

they're pretty volatile at times and i under i i knew within myself that and i under i i knew within myself that it wasn't good it wasn't good like what was going on like what was going on um um and that that's about it i didn't and that that's about it i didn't you know when they uh you know when they uh i feel like every kid like secretly has i feel like every kid like secretly has like the good guy like the good guy in in their mind when parents get divorced their mind when parents get divorced um unless it's just outright bad or it's um unless it's just outright bad or it's actually done really well um actually done really well um what is it a good guy what is it a good guy like uh like uh the the the aggressor in the divorce and like the aggressor in the divorce and like the one who's getting the short end of the one who's getting the short end of the stick right or the one once you did the stick right or the one once you did nothing wrong in your mind the villain nothing wrong in your mind the villain right the villain and the right the villain and the i see the villain and the hero so who is i see the villain and the hero so who is the who is the villain and who is the the who is the villain and who is the hero in your parents divorce hero in your parents divorce for me like i just saw them both as for me like i just saw them both as villains in a sense like it i was like villains in a sense like it i was like this is this is like there wasn't like there wasn't uh both of them had their issues right uh both of them had their issues right and like i can see that and i was like

and like i can see that and i was like this this like i don't like this i don't like this like i don't like this i don't like this at all at all you know i wasn't like oh you know i wasn't like oh if mom would stop yelling at him or if if mom would stop yelling at him or if like if dad would stop hitting her like like if dad would stop hitting her like like like like my dad didn't you know like my dad didn't you know do anything super destructive and it's do anything super destructive and it's like there was no moments like oh like i need to protect so and so in my mind right or to protect so and so in my mind right or like i'm gonna put up it's like i kind like i'm gonna put up it's like i kind of just like that's like this is bad of just like that's like this is bad this is not good i don't like any of this is not good i don't like any of this i don't remember a lot of it i remember feelings you know the feelings of it bad feelings you know the feelings of it bad but like a lot of it was kind of but like a lot of it was kind of not blocked out or forgotten but i don't not blocked out or forgotten but i don't know i just i remember know i just i remember like few key moments i remember watching like few key moments i remember watching my dad walk out of the house my dad walk out of the house from the window from the window and his friend came and picked him up and his friend came and picked him up um

and that's that's about it from like it was like like it was like from ages like from ages like one one to to like eight like eight i remember you know just being a normal i remember you know just being a normal kid growing up playing ghost in the kid growing up playing ghost in the graveyard outside graveyard outside um and then um and then again like those few key things i again like those few key things i remember going on a trip with my dad remember going on a trip with my dad when they were still together so my when they were still together so my parents were still together i went on a parents were still together i went on a trip with my dad to montana trip with my dad to montana and my mom didn't want to come with us and my mom didn't want to come with us i remember that and i remember being i remember that and i remember being weirded out by that like my mom and my weirded out by that like my mom and my older sister like stayed home like why older sister like stayed home like why it's a family trip we should all go it's a family trip we should all go um and it just didn't make sense to me um and it just didn't make sense to me um and that and that like those few big things things and like a general feeling of like i and like a general feeling of like i don't like this like i don't like this don't like this like i don't like this uneasiness i don't like this tension uneasiness i don't like this tension i don't like how quiet the house is you i don't like how quiet the house is you know know or things like that

and what were things like after they got divorced you know physically it was pretty weird it was pretty weird uh going from one house to the other uh going from one house to the other i didn't like that very much i didn't like that very much um um it was also weird because it was also weird because we moved within the same neighborhood we moved within the same neighborhood so like my parents had my mom the so like my parents had my mom the original house was right here original house was right here and then and then my mom just moved like two streets down my mom just moved like two streets down so we're so my dad kept so we're so my dad kept all all out initially out initially my dad left out initially out initially my dad left and and was staying with friends and we'd go to was staying with friends and we'd go to the friend's house the friend's house and like spend time with his with his and like spend time with his with his friends or friends or with him with him and then my mom ended up leaving the and then my mom ended up leaving the original house two doors down like two original house two doors down like two streets down then my dad ended up moving streets down then my dad ended up moving back into the original house back into the original house and

like i'd we'd just walk back and forth like the weekends and it was really like the weekends and it was really weird because i mean he was just down weird because i mean he was just down the street you know the street you know and like mentally in my mind he was just and like mentally in my mind he was just down the street but like we couldn't go down the street but like we couldn't go see him i couldn't go hang out with him see him i couldn't go hang out with him and that was kind of weird and that was kind of weird it was also weird because he didn't have it was also weird because he didn't have like any furniture so it was just like like any furniture so it was just like an empty house an empty house and and we got we got pretty poor at times we got we got pretty poor at times because like one time like the water was because like one time like the water was turned off and like i had to go to the turned off and like i had to go to the neighbor's house and ask for water so we neighbor's house and ask for water so we can like pour it into the uh can like pour it into the uh into the toilet so we can flush that was into the toilet so we can flush that was that was really gross all the time that was really gross all the time especially if like my younger siblings especially if like my younger siblings didn't tell us they used the restroom didn't tell us they used the restroom because they just forgot and i was like because they just forgot and i was like oh and i'd come to an awful surprise oh and i'd come to an awful surprise um then then we moved again my mom moved again again like down the street to like another like down the street to like another apartment apartment and like and like the reason why we did this is we wanted the reason why we did this is we wanted to stay within the neighborhood and stay to stay within the neighborhood and stay within school right we didn't want to within school right we didn't want to move schools sure move schools sure and

and then my dad ended up moving all over the then my dad ended up moving all over the place all over place all over the state we lived in the state we lived in and again i just i didn't and again i just i didn't didn't like it i didn't like going to didn't like it i didn't like going to different houses for the weekend different houses for the weekend i didn't like i didn't like the fact that like we couldn't just get the fact that like we couldn't just get back together right because i remember back together right because i remember watching mrs doubtfire watching mrs doubtfire right and like right and like thinking to myself i'm like wow like they're just so good for each other they should just get back together right should just get back together right that's what you kind of think when that's what you kind of think when you're a kid you're like robin williams you're a kid you're like robin williams is such a hero right then you know they is such a hero right then you know they now i look back and like well they now i look back and like well they didn't end back back together because didn't end back back together because you know they're adults and they make you know they're adults and they make their decisions their decisions um um as a kid i kind of really didn't see as a kid i kind of really didn't see that i was like that i was like just say sorry figure it out right like just say sorry figure it out right like let's let's raise above let's let's raise above our our sinful states i guess what's wrong with that with wanting to raise above yeah with wanting to raise above yeah i don't think there's much i don't think

i don't think there's much i don't think there's much to the desire but kind of there's much to the desire but kind of like my reaction it kind of just made me like my reaction it kind of just made me angry like again it just made me angry like again it just made me upset that they weren't doing what i upset that they weren't doing what i wanted right it made me angry say that wanted right it made me angry say that with them that you wanted them to get with them that you wanted them to get back together back together um i don't think so we didn't there wasn't a lot of parent-to-kid communication i should say i should say there wasn't a i should say i should say there wasn't a lot of mother-to-son communication or lot of mother-to-son communication or father-to-son communication there was a father-to-son communication there was a lot of parent-to-kid communication as in lot of parent-to-kid communication as in they fed me they kept me warm they fed me they kept me warm they kept me clothed right they made they kept me clothed right they made sure i was in sports they sent me to school but i mean when i would come home from but i mean when i would come home from school school they'd say like how was your day i was they'd say like how was your day i was like sick it was fun super pogers right like sick it was fun super pogers right then then i just i just sit on the computer sit on the computer watch some movies watch some movies and then i wouldn't see them again until and then i wouldn't see them again until dinner then we'd have some dinner

dinner then we'd have some dinner and i wouldn't see them for the rest of and i wouldn't see them for the rest of the night the night you know how does your dad feel about you know how does your dad feel about your gaming um just sees it as normal just sees it as normal i feel about his gaming i feel about his gaming yeah i don't like it i don't like it at yeah i don't like it i don't like it at all all i don't like i don't like kind of any of the family gaming because kind of any of the family gaming because i can see i can see i see my again like that period where i i see my again like that period where i just go hide in the computer i see that just go hide in the computer i see that in my younger siblings you know i see in my younger siblings you know i see that and what that and what is going on with them is going on with them and i'm like dad like that that's your and i'm like dad like that that's your kid man kid man go talk to him go talk to him i'm like i'm like oh have an argument oh have an argument and then next week make up then next and then next week make up then next week have another argument right and week have another argument right and then make up and then develop that kind then make up and then develop that kind of bridge between them you know of bridge between them you know and i'm confused who's who's having an and i'm confused who's who's having an argument are you saying that you argue argument are you saying that you argue with your dad or that your dad should with your dad or that your dad should argue with the kids so that you guys argue with the kids so that you guys would kill your relationship would kill your relationship you should argue with the kid to build a

you should argue with the kid to build a relationship right relationship right um um i said argue but it could be like i said argue but it could be like anything go talk with them go do anything go talk with them go do anything anything um um like where we are now like where we are now is like my dad will be playing a video is like my dad will be playing a video game game and and then then my two younger brothers will get in this my two younger brothers will get in this huge fight huge fight and then one of them will start crying and then one of them will start crying and then my dad's attentive he's like and then my dad's attentive he's like what's going on right what's what's what's going on right what's what's happening right and then he has to play happening right and then he has to play catch-up for everything he wasn't paying catch-up for everything he wasn't paying attention to attention to and then and then it just you know ends up and the thing it just you know ends up and the thing is we live in like we i used i don't is we live in like we i used i don't live with them anymore but live with them anymore but we used to live in like a two-room we used to live in like a two-room apartment so like apartment so like everybody in the room everybody in the room had to pay attention to had to pay attention to the argument that was going on with the argument that was going on with between my like the discussion between my like the discussion and there are times like six of us in a and there are times like six of us in a two-room apartment so it's like two-room apartment so it's like you get a lot of emotions and you get a lot of emotions and i don't know and i like seeing that now i don't know and i like seeing that now i'm like i'm like either a

either a the argument would be avoided because the argument would be avoided because my dad would be able to nip the problem my dad would be able to nip the problem behavior of one of the little brothers behavior of one of the little brothers in the butt in the butt or or the aftermath the aftermath of trying to discuss the argument or of trying to discuss the argument or discuss the problem will be a lot discuss the problem will be a lot smoother because my dad kind of smoother because my dad kind of understands where the younger brother is understands where the younger brother is coming from or the the slightly older coming from or the the slightly older brother is coming from don how does your brother is coming from don how does your mom feel about your gaming um she doesn't care either because i'm able she doesn't care either because i'm able to keep track and field up right she's to keep track and field up right she's like as long as your grades are good as like as long as your grades are good as long as you are performing at sports long as you are performing at sports like you can do whatever you want on the like you can do whatever you want on the weekends right weekends right um how does your mom feel about your um how does your mom feel about your dad's gaming dad's gaming yeah you know i don't think she yeah you know i don't think she understands kind of like how much understands kind of like how much because they don't they don't know what because they don't they don't know what goes on in between the homes right they goes on in between the homes right they don't they don't know what goes on don't they don't know what goes on in and home in and home um um and i know she doesn't she does not like and i know she doesn't she does not like a lot of the things about my dad a lot of the things about my dad um

um and i there's just a lot of and i there's just a lot of there's a lot of residual anger there's a lot of residual anger between both of them between both of them that to me seems childish do you think that to me seems childish do you think that your life would be better if your that your life would be better if your dad did a better job dad did a better job i mean it's it's hard to see it's hard to say yes because i don't want to say yes because i don't want to say yes because my dad tried because my dad tried that's that's the hard part that's that's the hard part he he was raised a nerd i mean he was raised he raised he his dad my grandpa his dad my grandpa was a huge star trek fan huge i mean was a huge star trek fan huge i mean and he he worked for nasa he had tons he and he he worked for nasa he had tons he was just that guy right that that 70s was just that guy right that that 70s nerd dad right nerd dad right and my dad looks up to him and i look up and my dad looks up to him and i look up to him like you know there's no other to him like you know there's no other and i think my dad kind of tried to and i think my dad kind of tried to replicate that sense of replicate that sense of wonder wonder in in these imaginary worlds within me right

these imaginary worlds within me right whether a star trek or star wars whether a star trek or star wars or or dune right he was a big dune fan dune right he was a big dune fan um um don does your dad have a job don does your dad have a job um um he just got rehired um covet's done a he just got rehired um covet's done a lot of hard stuff to him and the kind of habits that he had right it kind of really really doubled down on these habits that he doubled down on these habits that he already had build up and they kind of already had build up and they kind of just took over his life in a sense just took over his life in a sense um um what about so you guys had the water what about so you guys had the water turned off again floating through um um what does that mean floating through what does that mean floating through uh he's like he was kind of like a uh he's like he was kind of like a contract like he'd do contract like he'd do side jobs for side jobs for uh x amount of money and then he'd be uh x amount of money and then he'd be okay for a little bit and then he'd end okay for a little bit and then he'd end up doing this one acting gig for x up doing this one acting gig for x amount of money then he'd be okay for a amount of money then he'd be okay for a bit and then he'd do this one computer bit and then he'd do this one computer thing and then he ended up getting a job thing and then he ended up getting a job then got screwed over in the job and

then got screwed over in the job and then got a new job right and then at then got a new job right and then at times like times like he'd be working like two or three jobs he'd be working like two or three jobs and it's it's really it was really and it's it's really it was really volatile and he never volatile and he never again one thing i'm super thankful is again one thing i'm super thankful is like he never gave up right he never like he never gave up right he never gave up on us gave up on us and and he ended up he like he got food on the he ended up he like he got food on the table table he paid for what he could right whether he paid for what he could right whether the water turned off or the gas was the water turned off or the gas was turning off he always made sure we had turning off he always made sure we had blankets we always made sure we had blankets we always made sure we had pillows and pillows and mattresses mattresses so it's like again it's hard for me to so it's like again it's hard for me to say yes i think he would have done say yes i think he would have done better if he did a better job but we better if he did a better job but we could say that about any parent right could say that about any parent right i can say that i can say that what i can say is i know he tried his what i can say is i know he tried his best best or how flawed he is or how flawed he is you know you know and i i love him and i love him so much and i i love him and i love him so much for that right for that right and then the the greatest thing the and then the the greatest thing the greatest thing about it is i'm not greatest thing about it is i'm not biologically his kid biologically his kid um he he married my mom when i was about um he he married my mom when i was about two years old so he kind of he kind of

two years old so he kind of he kind of stepped up and picked up this extra stepped up and picked up this extra weight right and when the parents got weight right and when the parents got divorced he offered to pay child support divorced he offered to pay child support for me as well even though legally he for me as well even though legally he didn't have to because i wasn't his kid didn't have to because i wasn't his kid so it's so it's in my eyes the greatest honor a man and a choir is picking up the slack of another picking up the slack of another worthless man worthless man you know and in regards to their kid you know and in regards to their kid and and that's what he did you know as flawed as that's what he did you know as flawed as he was he gave me an awesome childhood he was he gave me an awesome childhood he spent as much time as he could with he spent as much time as he could with me whether you know whether he developed me whether you know whether he developed this video game addiction right whether this video game addiction right whether he helped facilitate that he helped facilitate that you know he you know he he loves me i mean he loves me i mean i'm a 6-3 black guy right but he's a 510 i'm a 6-3 black guy right but he's a 510 white nerd right and he white nerd right and he looks at me looks at me like like i'm his son you know and he hugs me like i'm his son you know and he hugs me like i'm his son i'm his son and

i love him eternally for that i you know i can acknowledge his flaws i you know i can acknowledge his flaws i can say how messed up his habits are i can say how messed up his habits are you know i can say anything you know i can say anything but it'll never but it'll never you know give away that love that he you know give away that love that he gave me gave me and that love that i offer him it sounds like a real hero real hero yeah yeah it's interesting it's interesting when you mentioned you know he was white i'd you mentioned you know he was white i'd already i you know i assumed that he was already i you know i assumed that he was your biological dad your biological dad yeah yeah and i liked it and i liked it i'm sorry i'm sorry i can only imagine how much more i can only imagine how much more challenging it is to accept challenging it is to accept a child that a child that clearly everyone knows is not your child clearly everyone knows is not your child and so how much more he and so how much more he deserves our respect

deserves our respect yeah yeah yeah yeah um um i like to call ourselves the jigsaw i like to call ourselves the jigsaw family family um because i have a i have an older um because i have a i have an older sister who has her own dad sister who has her own dad another older sister who has her own dad another older sister who has her own dad and then me has my own dad and then the and then me has my own dad and then the three younger siblings all have the same three younger siblings all have the same dad who's the guy i call dad um dad who's the guy i call dad um you know and again dude it's like i have you know and again dude it's like i have so much love for both my parents so much love for both my parents because because my mom i mean that does not sound like my mom i mean that does not sound like an easy family situation to mother right an easy family situation to mother right that's a lot of that's a lot of ties and that's a lot of emotions and ties and that's a lot of emotions and my mom never gave up on us you know she my mom never gave up on us you know she did so much for me did so much for me um um she's she's the reason i run track and she's she's the reason i run track and field because after field because after seventh grade my first year running seventh grade my first year running track and field i wanted to quit because track and field i wanted to quit because i was like this is hard running sucks i was like this is hard running sucks like i gotta i gotta work out i gotta like i gotta i gotta work out i gotta sweat i gotta sweat i gotta get tired and she pulled over the car get tired and she pulled over the car she's like you are running track she's like you are running track whether or not like before i die right

whether or not like before i die right or something you know she said something or something you know she said something super dramatic super dramatic and and she saw because it was the only way i she saw because it was the only way i was getting to college right we couldn't was getting to college right we couldn't pay for it pay for it uh getting to college without student uh getting to college without student loans loans um um and and you know she didn't she didn't really you know she didn't she didn't really teach me how to do homework very well teach me how to do homework very well uh she didn't uh she didn't i took a lot of her procrastination i took a lot of her procrastination within myself right within myself right and a lot of her bad habits within and a lot of her bad habits within myself but myself but you know just like my dad like as flawed you know just like my dad like as flawed as he is and as flawed as she is like as he is and as flawed as she is like i'm only running track and field because i'm only running track and field because she made me and i have that chad within she made me and i have that chad within me me because she made me you know i have because she made me you know i have a future in education and college a future in education and college because she made me she did the mom's because she made me she did the mom's job and job and so it's like again i don't have hate for so it's like again i don't have hate for my parents i have nothing but love and my parents i have nothing but love and wholesome you know wholesome you know hog champs from i think it's more than hog champs from i think it's more than love love i think that's what makes this heart i think that's what makes this heart because once again what i'm kind of

because once again what i'm kind of detecting don is that you're a little detecting don is that you're a little bit stuck between two things bit stuck between two things so you said that the greatest thing that so you said that the greatest thing that a man can do is to make up for the a man can do is to make up for the failings of another man failings of another man yeah it's like it's it's pretty it's yeah it's like it's it's pretty it's pretty uh big greatest honor i think is pretty uh big greatest honor i think is what i said i like to say the honor you what i said i like to say the honor you know kind of know kind of nightly so i kind of wonder don are you nightly so i kind of wonder don are you making up for the failings of your dad what do you mean by that i mean so when i asked you you know a little bit about about what you thought about your dad you kind what you thought about your dad you kind of said i was like you know could your of said i was like you know could your dad i don't remember exactly what the dad i don't remember exactly what the question was but it was sort of like a question was but it was sort of like a could your dad have done a better job or could your dad have done a better job or do you think your dad let you down i do you think your dad let you down i asked some question like that right asked some question like that right giving you a chance to poop on dad giving you a chance to poop on dad and i was like would you like to poop on

and i was like would you like to poop on dad and you're like it's hard to say yes dad and you're like it's hard to say yes right he said i don't want to say yes right he said i don't want to say yes you didn't say no right and then and then we kind of touched on then what you started to do touched on then what you started to do quite gallantly may i add quite gallantly may i add is rush to dad's defense is rush to dad's defense and so magnificently and so magnificently because who can possibly think that because who can possibly think that you're there's anything wrong like the you're there's anything wrong like the dude is he's a white five foot ten nerd dude is he's a white five foot ten nerd who's raising who's raising who calls the six three who calls the six three black kid his son black kid his son and genuinely loves you as a son like and genuinely loves you as a son like how can how can how can we toss any shade on on that guy how can we toss any shade on on that guy right right yeah yeah yeah yeah and and i i get that there's a lot of and and i i get that there's a lot of genuine love i get that your dad went genuine love i get that your dad went above and beyond and like deserves a ton above and beyond and like deserves a ton of love and respect of love and respect and at the same time you face certain and at the same time you face certain challenges

challenges and when you get angry i think you get and when you get angry i think you get angry with your parents angry with your parents what i heard over and over again is you what i heard over and over again is you didn't like it and it felt it was weird and you didn't like it like it and i think that there's like there's a and i think that there's like there's a you know an adult within you who can you know an adult within you who can understand that understand that you know adults have problems and you know adults have problems and sometimes divorce is what it comes down sometimes divorce is what it comes down to and that like on balance they did a to and that like on balance they did a fantastic job your mom you know helped fantastic job your mom you know helped you get into track and field your dad you get into track and field your dad gave you a love for gaming your dad gave gave you a love for gaming your dad gave you love in general and so like on the you love in general and so like on the pro and con column like your your pro and con column like your your parents both win overwhelmingly so parents both win overwhelmingly so but when i hear about your struggles there's like an understory here that i think part of the reason that you may be think part of the reason that you may be stuck is because like you're not willing stuck is because like you're not willing to acknowledge it right i mean like when you you kind of

you kind of it's it's interesting because you said it's it's interesting because you said that you used to be able to keep the that you used to be able to keep the external the reason you reached out now external the reason you reached out now is because is because you could keep it in check you could keep it in check you said that you used to be able to you said that you used to be able to keep your external life and your keep your external life and your internal life parallel internal life parallel but i'm still hearing that there's like but i'm still hearing that there's like one foot in two different lives one foot in two different lives you know and i think that i know this you know and i think that i know this may sound like one of these weird like may sound like one of these weird like spiritual positive things that no one spiritual positive things that no one knows how to do but as long as you knows how to do but as long as you you're living two parallel lives like you're living two parallel lives like dawn it's never gonna work right like you can't be like you have to live your life and like like you have to live your life and like i know it's kind of weird because you're i know it's kind of weird because you're like how do you we'll get there so like how do you we'll get there so there's there's a lot of practical stuff there's there's a lot of practical stuff here but like you know when when there's here but like you know when when there's the losers the losers and the jocks and the jocks and you're like and you're like you know you know halfway between those two

you know you can't i don't know i mean i think there needs to be some kind of think there needs to be some kind of like internal resolution like internal resolution about the life that you want about the life that you want and i think some of that stuff and i think some of that stuff is is i mean i'm not out to make your dad seem i mean i'm not out to make your dad seem like a bad dude i mean clearly he's you like a bad dude i mean clearly he's you played the ultimate ace card played the ultimate ace card in terms of you know no one can ever in terms of you know no one can ever think your dad and i i i i mean like think your dad and i i i i mean like like you know it's it's sort of like 50 like you know it's it's sort of like 50 of a joke but like definitely i mean he of a joke but like definitely i mean he gets away with a lot if he does that gets away with a lot if he does that yeah right yeah yeah yeah right yeah yeah and so the reason i kind of bring it up and so the reason i kind of bring it up is not to like put badness on him but is not to like put badness on him but like to acknowledge that the things that like to acknowledge that the things that hold you back hold you back or all the or all the like all the things that he gets a pass like all the things that he gets a pass for for can still negatively impact you and what can still negatively impact you and what we're talking about is you it's not i'm we're talking about is you it's not i'm not out there and i you know i know i do not out there and i you know i know i do this a lot where people like i get this a lot where people like i get people to [ __ ] talk their parents it's people to [ __ ] talk their parents it's not that like i'm not trying to [ __ ] not that like i'm not trying to [ __ ] talk your parents talk your parents yeah it's that we need to understand yeah it's that we need to understand that like your dad is propagating

that like your dad is propagating probably like probably like quite unhealthy behavior quite unhealthy behavior in all of his kids in all of his kids which which all parents do all parents do right he's not unique they're like i right he's not unique they're like i propagate on healthy behavior in my kids propagate on healthy behavior in my kids it's impossible i don't even say that it's impossible i don't even say that dude so my kid will wake up at 7 30 in dude so my kid will wake up at 7 30 in the morning and she'll try to come wake the morning and she'll try to come wake me up me up and then and then and i'll like like she'll grab the ipad and i'll like like she'll grab the ipad and she's like dad can i can i be on the and she's like dad can i can i be on the ipad and i'm like yeah sure absolutely ipad and i'm like yeah sure absolutely so you know it's terrible but the first so you know it's terrible but the first 45 minutes of her day are like spent on 45 minutes of her day are like spent on like you know like you know melting her brain on youtube which is melting her brain on youtube which is not what you want for a five-year-old oh not what you want for a five-year-old oh no no but we all propagate bad behavior in our but we all propagate bad behavior in our kids like i'm not a perfect parent kids like i'm not a perfect parent there's no such thing there's no such thing and the challenge for you though is it's and the challenge for you though is it's not about not about bashing your parents for blame it's bashing your parents for blame it's about understanding what is the impact about understanding what is the impact that you have to deal with that you have to deal with and as long as we're giving your dad a and as long as we're giving your dad a pass

pass and we're ignoring his effects on you and we're ignoring his effects on you then like how are you going to fix them then like how are you going to fix them yeah you know yeah you know and so and so i get why you and so and so i get why you it's not it's not bash your dad stream bash your dad stream yeah yeah and you know he really does sound like a and you know he really does sound like a truly amazing guy like no doubt in my truly amazing guy like no doubt in my mind mind and at the same time like you know and at the same time like you know you're a nutrition major and like you're you're a nutrition major and like you're starting to learn a little bit about the starting to learn a little bit about the world and you're beginning to realize world and you're beginning to realize that like maybe some like fish sticks that like maybe some like fish sticks and you know gaming until three a.m you and you know gaming until three a.m you said you guys did that four days in a said you guys did that four days in a row so like was it summer vacation or row so like was it summer vacation or was it like was it like dude it was probably spring break it was dude it was probably spring break it was okay i mean okay i mean it's good especially even if it's just it's good especially even if it's just like a friday like a friday if there's if they're if there's if they're like it kind of gets the point like if like it kind of gets the point like if there is no responsibility that i have there is no responsibility that i have to equip equate to tomorrow right i'll to equip equate to tomorrow right i'll show up to tomorrow show up to tomorrow i'm going to throw away right now i'm going to throw away right now you know that kind of that's kind of you know that kind of that's kind of like how it like how it lines up you know and like the more i

lines up you know and like the more i learn about habits right building habits learn about habits right building habits we are our habits right we are our habits right i'll know i'll never be rid of i'll know i'll never be rid of this until you know i get rid of that this until you know i get rid of that habit habit of of throwing away my night throwing away my night if i don't have anything at 8 a.m the if i don't have anything at 8 a.m the next morning right i should just go to next morning right i should just go to bed right or something like that you bed right or something like that you know know so so you know when it was spring break when you know when it was spring break when it was summer vacation or anything it was summer vacation or anything he would do that as long as we didn't he would do that as long as we didn't have anything to do tomorrow have anything to do tomorrow yeah yeah so let me ask you so let me ask you you know don i don't know exactly you know don i don't know exactly if this has been helpful yet but you know i i certainly feel like i understand you a little bit better and i understand you a little bit better and i think it'll like clarify i don't know i think it'll like clarify i don't know i don't have a clear sense of let me just don't have a clear sense of let me just think for a second

i think personally it's the sexiest instrument instrument known to man um known to man um when i was when i was getting into music getting into music um um because you know when you're when you're because you know when you're when you're a kid you always listen to what your a kid you always listen to what your parents listen to parents listen to so so when i turned you know 1314 i kind of when i turned you know 1314 i kind of you know started touching my own music i you know started touching my own music i was listening to these kids write or was listening to these kids write or listen to music at school you know listen to music at school you know whatever they were listening to and i whatever they were listening to and i went through a lot of stuff i went went through a lot of stuff i went through like a little bit of an emo through like a little bit of an emo phase like mcr because my crush was phase like mcr because my crush was faith lap and she had the you know she faith lap and she had the you know she was emails like i gotta listen to this was emails like i gotta listen to this stuff you know stuff you know um um then my 10th grade year i started then my 10th grade year i started listening to like listening to like my own music like things that i really my own music like things that i really liked liked and a lot of it was bass guitar uh steve and a lot of it was bass guitar uh steve lacy plays a lot of bass guitar and he lacy plays a lot of bass guitar and he plays his own bass fit thundercat was a plays his own bass fit thundercat was a huge one i love thundercat huge one i love thundercat tyler crater has some really good

tyler crater has some really good bass lines in his songs bass lines in his songs and and i just i just i didn't understand it was bass until i i didn't understand it was bass until i started looking into the music i was started looking into the music i was like oh that's that's the bass that's like oh that's that's the bass that's the bass line um the bass line um then my best friend's dad then my best friend's dad um um he asked me out of the blue he's like he asked me out of the blue he's like play bass i was like no he's like oh play bass i was like no he's like oh that's [ __ ] like that's [ __ ] like every black person can play bass you every black person can play bass you could play bass and then that kind of could play bass and then that kind of like solidified it for me i was like like solidified it for me i was like okay i need to learn to play bass right okay i need to learn to play bass right now so i can prove this guy that i can now so i can prove this guy that i can play bass and i'm sick right and so play bass and i'm sick right and so along with like all my love for music along with like all my love for music you know so it kind of it was kind of you know so it kind of it was kind of like a two-factor humor sense and actual like a two-factor humor sense and actual love for the bass okay can i think for a second please please please so you've watched a fair number of our streams

streams yeah yeah i always usually turn tune yeah yeah i always usually turn tune into the vods into the vods so like you're familiar with like the so like you're familiar with like the concepts and stuff that we discuss concepts and stuff that we discuss yeah yeah i watch a lot of the youtube yeah yeah i watch a lot of the youtube channel as well okay so like do you know channel as well okay so like do you know what a sum squad is what a sum squad is um um refresher please okay so like sometimes refresher please okay so like sometimes we have emotion we have emotion that gets that gets so when our mind experiences emotion so when our mind experiences emotion we can either we can either bury it or process it bury it or process it okay okay and generally speaking a lot of the and generally speaking a lot of the emotion that gets buried then manifests emotion that gets buried then manifests later in life in particular later in life in particular circumstances circumstances so so what i um what i um i'm gonna try to like i'm gonna try to like put together put together i'm gonna try to like summarize what i i'm gonna try to like summarize what i understand understand as your situation and i'm gonna give you as your situation and i'm gonna give you like a couple of options like a couple of options okay

okay so dawn you know it was interesting when you you know it was interesting when you were telling me a little about yourself were telling me a little about yourself you know when i when i mentioned that it you know when i when i mentioned that it seems to me like you're stuck between seems to me like you're stuck between two worlds it's interesting because what i was thinking about you are you have any thinking about you are you have any experience with d and d experience with d and d yeah yeah okay so like you know i almost yeah yeah okay so like you know i almost said you seem to me like a half elf

said you seem to me like a half elf because you're not in the human world because you're not in the human world and you're not in the elf world and you're not in the elf world my characters are always half works my my characters are always half works my characters are always half works even characters are always half works even better better right right so so like and i'm really glad i steered so so like and i'm really glad i steered clear that because like i i almost clear that because like i i almost because given the the racial dynamics in because given the the racial dynamics in your family like i'm glad i didn't call your family like i'm glad i didn't call you just something like that really you just something like that really dodged a bullet there really but but but dodged a bullet there really but but but i i i do get the sense that there's i i i do get the sense that there's there's really like in so many different there's really like in so many different ways man like you were stuck between two ways man like you were stuck between two worlds worlds it's like do you become a jock it's like do you become a jock or do you become a nerd or do you become a nerd you know like like do you play bass you know like like do you play bass guitar like you can't play basketball guitar like you can't play basketball but you're gonna learn bass guitar so but you're gonna learn bass guitar so you're gonna take advantage of your you're gonna take advantage of your racial bonuses racial bonuses you know absolutely and and so like you you know absolutely and and so like you know there's just so much there about know there's just so much there about you know i think who you're trying to be you know i think who you're trying to be [Music] [Music] that that and and i think that that's gonna so if and and i think that that's gonna so if if your problem you kind of come up with

if your problem you kind of come up with this problem of like i spend too much this problem of like i spend too much time on the computer and we can call time on the computer and we can call that escapism we can say it's due to that escapism we can say it's due to like some internal conflict or whatever like some internal conflict or whatever but i'd say the reason you spend too but i'd say the reason you spend too much time on the computer is a couple of much time on the computer is a couple of things one is i do believe that there's things one is i do believe that there's like an addictive aspect to it like an addictive aspect to it so like straight up like like what so like straight up like like what you're describing to me sounds like a you're describing to me sounds like a dopaminergic binge dopaminergic binge where you're just like you know you like where you're just like you know you like you need to get that dopamine from like you need to get that dopamine from like attack on titan what's gonna happen next attack on titan what's gonna happen next what's gonna happen i have to know i what's gonna happen i have to know i have to know i have to know you kind of have to know i have to know you kind of get caught up in it the other get caught up in it the other interesting thing is that given your interesting thing is that given your upbringing upbringing one of the things that we've discovered one of the things that we've discovered from studying addictions is that from studying addictions is that generally speaking the earlier you get generally speaking the earlier you get exposed the more powerful the addiction exposed the more powerful the addiction so um you know when we look at things so um you know when we look at things like pornography addiction like there's like pornography addiction like there's a very good chance that people who are a very good chance that people who are exposed to pornography at like a very exposed to pornography at like a very young age young age will be more likely to be addicted to it will be more likely to be addicted to it the same is true for like alcohol and

the same is true for like alcohol and cigarettes and marijuana and stuff like cigarettes and marijuana and stuff like that so you know if you start smoking that so you know if you start smoking pot at the age of 12 it's like way pot at the age of 12 it's like way harder to kick than like if you start harder to kick than like if you start smoking a pot at the age of 50. smoking a pot at the age of 50. so there's some stuff around developing so there's some stuff around developing brains and and building habits and stuff brains and and building habits and stuff like that so i i do think that there's like that so i i do think that there's like a dopaminergic aspect to your like a dopaminergic aspect to your behavior behavior which can be kind of addressed on that which can be kind of addressed on that level level but i i also get the sense that you know but i i also get the sense that you know when you're choosing between two goals when you're choosing between two goals what i'm really getting the sense of is what i'm really getting the sense of is that there's like this conflict about that there's like this conflict about like who you want to be like who you want to be it's like who does dawn want to wind up it's like who does dawn want to wind up like does he want to wind up being a like does he want to wind up being a weeb or does he want to wind up being weeb or does he want to wind up being you know black guy who can play bass you know black guy who can play bass because generally speaking we don't because generally speaking we don't think about those people as the same think about those people as the same kind of person which is why i think the kind of person which is why i think the next thing to really understand if we next thing to really understand if we had to summarize who you are you're the had to summarize who you are you're the chosen one chosen one [Laughter] [Laughter] i'm the main character yeah you're all i'm the main character yeah you're all side characters so so it's it it's it's

side characters so so it's it it's it's like and this is where like i i think a like and this is where like i i think a lot of this is going to come from really lot of this is going to come from really a lot of like introspection about you a lot of like introspection about you know where do your goals come from know where do your goals come from are they your goals or are they the are they your goals or are they the goals that come from either part of your goals that come from either part of your human and your elven heritage human and your elven heritage and i i sort of get you know i i think and i i sort of get you know i i think the the you know the story about how you got you know the story about how you got into base i'm sure will into base i'm sure will upset a lot of people for a lot of upset a lot of people for a lot of reasons but i think it's like a great reasons but i think it's like a great story right genuinely speaking it's it's story right genuinely speaking it's it's when it comes you know our racial when it comes you know our racial identity forms so much of like who we identity forms so much of like who we are and what we choose to identify with are and what we choose to identify with and stuff like that i think you know i'm and stuff like that i think you know i'm i'm brown i'm indian i'm brown i'm indian and so i you know i did wind up becoming and so i you know i did wind up becoming a doctor and i do do yoga so it's sort a doctor and i do do yoga so it's sort of like of like you know i have racial advantages there you know i have racial advantages there um so i think it is there's an element um so i think it is there's an element of truth to that but i i think what i'm of truth to that but i i think what i'm sort of really getting from you is that

sort of really getting from you is that a couple of different things one is a couple of different things one is you know you're stuck between these two you know you're stuck between these two worlds and i think a lot of the goals worlds and i think a lot of the goals that arrive in your mind that you that arrive in your mind that you fall short of are not truly your goals fall short of are not truly your goals i think as you really make them your i think as you really make them your goals and you sort of deal with that goals and you sort of deal with that addiction piece then it'll help addiction piece then it'll help so like as they truly become your goals so like as they truly become your goals as opposed to like societally imposed as opposed to like societally imposed goals that'll help you achieve them and goals that'll help you achieve them and then you've got habit and dopamine then you've got habit and dopamine related stuff that you've got to related stuff that you've got to overcome for sure the last thing is from overcome for sure the last thing is from an emotional standpoint you know this is an emotional standpoint you know this is where i'm sure we could ask you more where i'm sure we could ask you more questions but like questions but like i i think that they're you know it seems i i think that they're you know it seems like the primary thing that you feel like the primary thing that you feel towards yourself is like anger and towards yourself is like anger and frustration frustration and where do you think that anger and and where do you think that anger and frustration comes from i think a big thing can come to be like me can come to be like me not being what i think i should be not being what i think i should be in a lot of aspects right

in a lot of aspects right um it's i get when you when you met like mentioning porn like that's a that's a mentioning porn like that's a that's a huge thing for all young adults right huge thing for all young adults right especially young males like that especially young males like that i hate it right i hate it right and i hate that i you know could be and i hate that i you know could be addicted to porn especially growing up addicted to porn especially growing up as a teenager like a lot of that anger as a teenager like a lot of that anger you know you get that post-nut clarity you know you get that post-nut clarity it's just so it's so hard you know it's just so it's so hard you know post-nut depression is not a it's not a post-nut depression is not a it's not a healthy thing to healthy thing to move on about it's hard to talk about move on about it's hard to talk about right no one wants to talk about right no one wants to talk about their own struggles with that their own struggles with that but but i'm telling you now because that to me i'm telling you now because that to me is the clearest is the clearest point of like where my anger could be point of like where my anger could be coming from like that self coming from like that self loathing from what i could be right i'm loathing from what i could be right i'm like i'm not there i'm right here and like i'm not there i'm right here and i'm angry about it and it's my fault you i'm angry about it and it's my fault you know know you just lost me a little bit you just lost me a little bit sorry sorry what is this stuff about post not what is this stuff about post not depression depression uh

uh so there's there's a joke right you're so there's there's a joke right you're you're you're watching some sus material you're you're watching some sus material online and you know you fit you you online and you know you fit you you climax and then you you get you open climax and then you you get you open your eyes you know you come over the your eyes you know you come over the water and you're like this is gross water and you're like this is gross stuff like i do not like this right stuff like i do not like this right that's usually post not clarity right um that's usually post not clarity right um post post depression is just depression is just the depression you feel the depression you feel of being attached to this being tied to of being attached to this being tied to it all right being tied to the computer it all right being tied to the computer the pornography the pornography um um it's it's it's it's just it's really just a joke it's it's just it's really just a joke like a play on words like a play on words um um right right yeah so so are you saying that in the yeah so so are you saying that in the post not clarity you're able to see that post not clarity you're able to see that your life is not where you want it to be your life is not where you want it to be like are you like are you clearly able to because like you're free clearly able to because like you're free of all of your like like mechanisms and of all of your like like mechanisms and stuff like that oh yeah stuff like that oh yeah yeah definitely i mean that's yeah yeah yeah definitely i mean that's yeah yeah okay so okay so all right sorry i just i all right sorry i just i was a little bit confused so so you're

was a little bit confused so so you're you know it sounds like you're angry at you know it sounds like you're angry at not being what you think you should be not being what you think you should be yeah yeah and i mean especially this yeah yeah and i mean especially this last year last year it's also like angry at what i was um it's also like angry at what i was um because i because i i gained a lot of weight in quarantine i gained a lot of weight in quarantine and track and field is a lot track and and track and field is a lot track and field's base is about the strength to field's base is about the strength to weight distribution how strong you are weight distribution how strong you are versus how much weight you're carrying versus how much weight you're carrying around around and i gained like and i gained like 25 pounds 25 pounds and a year and a year and even a little less than a year and and even a little less than a year and that was like not good weight either that was like not good weight either there was a lot of binge eating and just there was a lot of binge eating and just garbage garbage and and right now where i am i'm in between right now where i am i'm in between well i just look back at my high school well i just look back at my high school life right my freshman years i'm like life right my freshman years i'm like man i was so in shape i was so man i was so in shape i was so much more fit than i am now much more fit than i am now i need to be more fit than i was then i need to be more fit than i was then right like that's so i put myself so right like that's so i put myself so much further back much further back than the goal i i wanted i want you know

than the goal i i wanted i want you know and you know then anger and sadness and and you know then anger and sadness and all the emotions come through can i process that for a second please please go ahead what do you think is gonna happen to you dawn you asked me that a year ago i would have had this huge awesome i would have had this huge awesome five-year plan right five-year plan right i'm gonna i'm gonna go graduate college go on this religious go graduate college go on this religious mission mission come back come back you know run professionally you know run professionally uh uh kick butt you know

kick butt you know um um but my life and my plans have all but my life and my plans have all changed so rapidly changed so rapidly that i'm unsure you know that i'm unsure you know i can tell you what i want you know i can tell you what tell you what my metaphysical my my frontal lobe says my metaphysical my my frontal lobe says i should want you know i want a solid i should want you know i want a solid nutrition job nutrition job pro runner pro runner shoe contract deal right with adidas or shoe contract deal right with adidas or nike or something nike or something smoking hot wife you know amazing you smoking hot wife you know amazing you know backyard barbecues fourth of july know backyard barbecues fourth of july barbecues you know barbecues you know um um then you know there's that you know that then you know there's that you know that other side the other the other world the other side the other the other world the other life other life um kind of just saying like dude like um kind of just saying like dude like you don't need to do that you can just you don't need to do that you can just you're charming guy you're handsome you're charming guy you're handsome you're athletic right you're athletic right become a twitch streamer do it do what become a twitch streamer do it do what dr k does right talk talk to the people dr k does right talk talk to the people right play video games change the world right play video games change the world through video games right or something through video games right or something like that like that and and there's that kind of

there's that kind of pull between like like you said the two pull between like like you said the two two feet in two worlds two feet in two worlds okay so don got these two dreams right let's call one of them the twitch stream or one of them or one of them adidas whatever adidas whatever adidas chad yeah today is july 16th it adidas chad yeah today is july 16th it is a friday is a friday the weekend is coming up the weekend is coming up if you spend the weekend watching anime if you spend the weekend watching anime what happens to your progress towards what happens to your progress towards each of those goals it decreases it goes back incorrect there's no difference right so like how many to get to the life of your how many to get to the life of your dreams how many days does it take we're gonna graduate from college we're gonna go on our mission trip get a

gonna go on our mission trip get a smoking hot wife become a professional smoking hot wife become a professional runner land an adidas contract how much runner land an adidas contract how much time does that take time does that take a lot of time a lot of time you know years you know years how many years how many years um i would take about four at a minimum at a minimum right right yeah so four years is like yeah so four years is like 1300 days 1300 days sure sure if you take a if you take a break if you take a if you take a break for three days for three days what difference does it make see i see i see what you're saying i get it it right so what's the cost of you spending right so what's the cost of you spending a week or two playing kotor two kotor a week or two playing kotor two kotor one and two well you know you could look at it you know grand scheme listing look at it you know grand scheme listing like oh it doesn't cost much in the like oh it doesn't cost much in the grand scheme but then within these grand scheme but then within these little little deals right i didn't go little little deals right i didn't go spend time with my friends playing kotor

spend time with my friends playing kotor until i didn't go outside much i didn't until i didn't go outside much i didn't spend time with a lot of my family you spend time with a lot of my family you know know i guess i guess that is the cost that's the cost with that is the cost that's the cost with yeah yeah now we get to a really tricky thing now we get to a really tricky thing which is which way does your brain look which is which way does your brain look at it so your brain calculates behavior at it so your brain calculates behavior right right it calculates to engage in a behavior or it calculates to engage in a behavior or not engage in a behavior when you have not engage in a behavior when you have five years to do something which way like you know i know it sounds good actually i'll just sort of say it good actually i'll just sort of say it but like your brain calculates it but like your brain calculates it in the long term not in the short term in the long term not in the short term which is why procrastination is which is why procrastination is conserved across the human race conserved across the human race right so if you have a month like no right so if you have a month like no one's studying for a test that's one one's studying for a test that's one month away month away and like if you think about it you know and like if you think about it you know if all like not all but you know 90 the if all like not all but you know 90 the human beings that have not been human beings that have not been conditioned or built habits conditioned or built habits to start studying 30 days before the

to start studying 30 days before the test the default human behavior is to test the default human behavior is to wait until the last minute wait until the last minute and i think your biggest issue and this and i think your biggest issue and this is where like it doesn't matter which is where like it doesn't matter which world you're stuck in because in either world you're stuck in because in either case like what's the cost of a weekend case like what's the cost of a weekend is absolutely nothing and this is why is absolutely nothing and this is why our generation our generation is is screwed from weekend to weekend screwed from weekend to weekend because what's the cost because what's the cost nothing it's just a couple of days nothing it's just a couple of days there's more days there's more days what's gonna happen seven days from now what's gonna happen seven days from now you're gonna get another weekend you're gonna get another weekend you can do it then and i i know it sounds kind of weird but like you know i i think there's a lot to like you know i i think there's a lot to like understanding you know your like understanding you know your internal conflict and stuff like that internal conflict and stuff like that i do think there's a lot to understand i do think there's a lot to understand about your anger towards yourself about your anger towards yourself because that i think is is to a certain because that i think is is to a certain degree like related to degree like related to [Music] [Music] a lot of anger that you have from other a lot of anger that you have from other places and you're kind of taking it out places and you're kind of taking it out on yourself on yourself so so this is sort of where like you so so this is sort of where like you know you're you're upset with your dad

know you're you're upset with your dad for helping you get into this situation for helping you get into this situation right like do we want to right like do we want to we want to forgive him sure on balance we want to forgive him sure on balance did he do an awesome job absolutely did he do an awesome job absolutely and like don't tell me because when and like don't tell me because when you're walking around and you're you're walking around and you're steaming right like who are you blaming myself and your parents and your parents you said that earlier it did i did say i you said that earlier it did i did say i was getting angry at my parents and and was getting angry at my parents and and what what kind of thoughts does your what what kind of thoughts does your mind produce yeah so like can you give me an example of like what in what way you get angry of like what in what way you get angry with your parents with your parents parents specifically i just get parents specifically i just get get jealous of my friends and their get jealous of my friends and their parents parents um good tell me what are you jealous of um good tell me what are you jealous of between your friends and their parents between your friends and their parents stability that's a big one stability that's a big one my in my area it's really low divorce

my in my area it's really low divorce rate in my area rate in my area and and get really jealous i mean because i get really jealous i mean because i again it's like that adult side of you again it's like that adult side of you tells yourself right you're like tells yourself right you're like every every you know every every you know past problems you know every family has past problems you know every family has issues right issues right but then you know my kids side looks i'm but then you know my kids side looks i'm like man i'd rather have those issues like man i'd rather have those issues the issues they're having and the issues the issues they're having and the issues i'm having right i'm having right what especially what especially yeah go ahead sorry i was gonna say yeah go ahead sorry i was gonna say especially when i get grow closer especially when i get grow closer um um saying like a it takes a village to saying like a it takes a village to raise a kid right or raise a whatever raise a kid right or raise a whatever that was really really true in my sake that was really really true in my sake um um outside of my own family i have like outside of my own family i have like four families four families where i could just walk into the door where i could just walk into the door right and they'll say like oh hey dom right and they'll say like oh hey dom and you know they already have a plate and you know they already have a plate set up for me right set up for me right um and i'm really close and really um and i'm really close and really thankful for those families so i know thankful for those families so i know kind of their family issues i see the kind of their family issues i see the sibling arguments i see the parents sibling arguments i see the parents doing whatever doing whatever um

um when i was a kid when i was a kid to answer your question like what to answer your question like what specific issues when i was a kid i just specific issues when i was a kid i just hated having to move from week into hated having to move from week into weekend weekend especially when my parents moved further especially when my parents moved further away away i couldn't see my friends on some i couldn't see my friends on some weekends just because i didn't have a weekends just because i didn't have a car car my parents were at work we can't we my parents were at work we can't we can't make the 40-minute drive down to can't make the 40-minute drive down to such-and-such city such-and-such city go hang out with your friends right go hang out with your friends right you're just gonna have to sit and hang you're just gonna have to sit and hang out right and i hated that and i was out right and i hated that and i was like man i wish the whole family like man i wish the whole family family's just in one spot right family's just in one spot right um another one is kind of just reassurance that your parents love each other you know other you know um um don't take for granted if your parents don't take for granted if your parents truly love each other truly love each other um that's a wonderful example to you um that's a wonderful example to you about true love right as a for a kid about true love right as a for a kid and i kind of really and i kind of really didn't have that growing up you know i didn't have that growing up you know i didn't have that didn't have that golden globe of like this is what a golden globe of like this is what a marriage could be this is this is what marriage could be this is this is what you could produce like look at that look

you could produce like look at that look how wonderful this family is right you how wonderful this family is right you have all these kids and they are married have all these kids and they are married now and you're getting nieces and now and you're getting nieces and nephews and we're all here spending time nephews and we're all here spending time together together uh my family can't really do that you uh my family can't really do that you know and i just know and i just i get angry and i get jealous and i just i get angry and i get jealous and i just get sad you know because not only do i get sad you know because not only do i want that there's the realization that i want that there's the realization that i truly don't have that i have to go to truly don't have that i have to go to sleep with that knowledge you know i sleep with that knowledge you know i have to wake up with that knowledge i have to wake up with that knowledge i have to go to fourth like going to two have to go to fourth like going to two christmases as a kid christmases as a kid sounds like a cool idea right two two sounds like a cool idea right two two birthday presents birthday presents dude the pain dude the pain of driving away from one of my parents of driving away from one of my parents homes from christmas morning homes from christmas morning and seeing them wave and seeing them wave on the sidewalk on the sidewalk just tears me up inside especially as i just tears me up inside especially as i get older especially because i'm the one get older especially because i'm the one driving my siblings around right you driving my siblings around right you wake up at my dad's house and having to say goodbye to a parent on christmas morning christmas morning go to another christmas morning is go to another christmas morning is sickening and i hate it sickening and i hate it and and seeing the pain in their eyes because

seeing the pain in their eyes because they love us right they don't want to be they love us right they don't want to be alone on christmas morning they don't alone on christmas morning they don't want to be alone want to be alone anytime anytime and and going 11 years like that it's just so going 11 years like that it's just so draining and draining and i don't think i don't think people you know they don't acknowledge people you know they don't acknowledge those moments those moments within the divorce you know they don't within the divorce you know they don't acknowledge those 15 sentence 15 second acknowledge those 15 sentence 15 second interactions interactions that you have nightmares about and it's that you have nightmares about and it's just just it's awful yeah man it's it's you know i know we you know i know we so like there's i think a bias in so like there's i think a bias in western society towards like western society towards like the individual over the unit the individual over the unit so generally speaking you know there's so generally speaking you know there's this sentiment that this sentiment that it's better to have two happy people it's better to have two happy people that are divorced that are divorced rather than raise a kid rather than raise a kid in an unhappy marriage in an unhappy marriage which as a psychiatrist i mean i have a

which as a psychiatrist i mean i have a bias in terms of my sample size right bias in terms of my sample size right because the people who come to me are because the people who come to me are the ones who are a little bit unhappy the ones who are a little bit unhappy i'm not so sure that's actually the case i'm not so sure that's actually the case though though i i i i when i hear stories like yours i i i i when i hear stories like yours and the problem is basically every story and the problem is basically every story of divorce that i've heard of divorce that i've heard i'd say easily 80 percent are like yours i'd say easily 80 percent are like yours where it does actually and this is where it does actually and this is something that i think is a is something something that i think is a is something that gets propagated like that gets propagated like you know parents will tell themselves you know parents will tell themselves all kinds of things to justify all kinds of things to justify being able to get a divorce being able to get a divorce and they can't tolerate the idea that and they can't tolerate the idea that like this could actually hurt your child like this could actually hurt your child and we as a society sort of say that and we as a society sort of say that divorce doesn't hurt children whereas i divorce doesn't hurt children whereas i haven't seen that haven't seen that i've seen that just about in all cases i've seen that just about in all cases divorce does hurt children divorce does hurt children i'm not saying that it's not a good idea i'm not saying that it's not a good idea to get divorced i'm not saying that to get divorced i'm not saying that there aren't good reasons to get there aren't good reasons to get divorced it's just i'm the one you know divorced it's just i'm the one you know the kid walks into my office

the kid walks into my office 20 years later 20 years later and and so that's just what i see and and so that's just what i see um but i i think it's it's kind of um but i i think it's it's kind of dangerous because like when you said you dangerous because like when you said you know everyone thinks two christmases is know everyone thinks two christmases is good oh man the can the most good oh man the can the most consistently terrible thing that i've consistently terrible thing that i've heard from kids of divorced parents or heard from kids of divorced parents or holidays never do you feel so trapped so there's no way to make every anyone happy no way to make every anyone happy and it's it's just it's a it's just [ __ ] and it's it's just it's a it's just [ __ ] for everyone involved for everyone involved and this this time that's supposed to be and this this time that's supposed to be like happy and celebrating ends up being like happy and celebrating ends up being just like painful for everyone and it just like painful for everyone and it happens every year happens every year and even especially with all the and even especially with all the marketing it's just marketing it's just it's bad continue sorry i mean it even it's bad continue sorry i mean it even gets to the point where sometimes i'll gets to the point where sometimes i'll you know when i work with like patients you know when i work with like patients like we'll even have to set limits so i like we'll even have to set limits so i have some patients that over time have have some patients that over time have grown to actually tell their parents grown to actually tell their parents i actually can't come home for the

i actually can't come home for the holidays anymore and see either of you holidays anymore and see either of you because the toxicity is just so high i because the toxicity is just so high i don't have the bandwidth for it don't have the bandwidth for it i'm gonna just be by myself during i'm gonna just be by myself during christmas and i will come and visit each christmas and i will come and visit each of you for one week at a time and we're of you for one week at a time and we're gonna hang out and i'll fill you in but gonna hang out and i'll fill you in but i just can't do it during the holidays i just can't do it during the holidays because there's just no peaceful way to because there's just no peaceful way to do it it's crazy do it it's crazy uh where things end up uh where things end up but kind of coming back to you don i but kind of coming back to you don i mean here's what i think like mean here's what i think like so there's a lot of that anger pent up so there's a lot of that anger pent up frustration with your self frustration frustration with your self frustration with your your parents i think the more with your your parents i think the more that you acknowledge that i think the that you acknowledge that i think the better off you're gonna be better off you're gonna be um um not to say that you i mean i think it not to say that you i mean i think it does sound like you you know you feel it does sound like you you know you feel it and stuff but i i think the real issue and stuff but i i think the real issue here and i want to talk a little bit here and i want to talk a little bit about goal setting is that about goal setting is that so when you look at your life and you so when you look at your life and you say i wish it wasn't like this i wish it say i wish it wasn't like this i wish it was this and then you build together was this and then you build together this five-year plan because you're you this five-year plan because you're you know you have a touch of the chad within

know you have a touch of the chad within you your chad touched not faye touched you your chad touched not faye touched not fiend touched your chad touched not fiend touched your chad touched right right uh uh you're you're you're a chad touched half you're you're you're a chad touched half work work totally totally and and and so then what totally totally and and and so then what happens is your mind still builds these happens is your mind still builds these kinds of like goals for you you're like kinds of like goals for you you're like okay i want to be a twitch streamer i okay i want to be a twitch streamer i want to be this i want to be this want to be this i want to be this uh look at the chad drinking milk uh look at the chad drinking milk yes this is strong strong bones yes this is strong strong bones it's not like an energy drink it's not like an energy drink no no [ __ ] no no [ __ ] so so so so that's a lesson for everyone who's that's a lesson for everyone who's watching by the way you're gonna watching by the way you're gonna you know i'll i'll do one more you know i'll i'll do one more um um so i think that so i think that one of the one of the you know i think when it comes to your you know i think when it comes to your goals and what you want to do but what i goals and what you want to do but what i would say to you don is to really think would say to you don is to really think a little bit about a given day a little bit about a given day and don't think about the goal but ask and don't think about the goal but ask yourself in a weird way like who do you yourself in a weird way like who do you want to be today

want to be today like do you want to be someone who like do you want to be someone who i know it may it may bring up the i know it may it may bring up the self-loathing but i'd say actually self-loathing but i'd say actually tackle it head-on tackle it head-on and sort of you know ask yourself like and sort of you know ask yourself like as you're about to watch like what are as you're about to watch like what are you going to do this weekend don you going to do this weekend don i'm asking it's a genuine question yeah i'm asking it's a genuine question yeah yeah yeah yeah uh my buddy's getting yeah yeah yeah uh my buddy's getting married um married um i'm gonna go i'm gonna be groomsman i'm gonna go i'm gonna be groomsman we're gonna hang out and swim and we're gonna hang out and swim and chillax chillax you know you know some play some video games maybe smash some play some video games maybe smash bros meta who knows bros meta who knows so so let me ask you don is that the so so let me ask you don is that the person that you want to be person that you want to be yeah yeah it is especially it's especially because it is like especially these people these people i'm especially these people these people i'm going to um luckily throughout the years going to um luckily throughout the years i've been able to acquire i've been able to acquire uh companions in my dnd campaign because uh companions in my dnd campaign because i'm the main character right i'm the main character right um um people who just love me right both the people who just love me right both the website and the chad side right they

website and the chad side right they they understand that like they come to they understand that like they come to me with star wars questions because they me with star wars questions because they know i've read every single comic book know i've read every single comic book and every single eu book like i know and every single eu book like i know everything right um everything right um they come to me with comic they come to me with comic recommendations when they when they want recommendations when they when they want so but they also you know they support so but they also you know they support me at track meets they support my me at track meets they support my healthy activities so these guys healthy activities so these guys i i really i i really want to like be want to like be with them so yes these like that's with them so yes these like that's these people are awesome so like like at these people are awesome so like like at the end of the weekend are you gonna the end of the weekend are you gonna feel drained or feel drained or be filled with self-loathing be filled with self-loathing um this this kind of gets into like a different material into like a different material uh uh because and i it feels weird you know because and i it feels weird you know we're already a bit into it and opening we're already a bit into it and opening up a new can of worms is a bit weird but up a new can of worms is a bit weird but especially this past few year it's been especially this past few year it's been really hard really hard connecting connecting the people who like actually love me but the people who like actually love me but like feeling connected

like feeling connected um because there are times when i'll go hang out with my best friend brian right hang out with my best friend brian right and and then then you know something will go wrong or you know something will go wrong or um um you know specifically uh he'll ditch me you know specifically uh he'll ditch me or like something like that will go on or like something like that will go on and i'll come home and i'll just feel and i'll come home and i'll just feel like like awful and i'll just feel like wow this awful and i'll just feel like wow this is really sex because when when i have is really sex because when when i have so few of like the real friends so few of like the real friends when my own mind senses that it's not when my own mind senses that it's not going right it just kind of going right it just kind of spins out of control spins out of control um um it's like it could be like i can go into it's like it could be like i can go into this wedding and i can go and i can just this wedding and i can go and i can just you know my jokes are firing off i'm you know my jokes are firing off i'm killing it killing it and i feel loved and i feel accepted and and i feel loved and i feel accepted and i feel on top of my game i feel on top of my game but if i go and like something doesn't but if i go and like something doesn't feel right to me feel right to me or or it doesn't like i don't feel loved or it doesn't like i don't feel loved or something like that i get i get into something like that i get i get into pretty deep dark places pretty deep dark places and

and that that kind of game that that kind of game has been what i've been playing for like has been what i've been playing for like the past four months the past four months um um four or five months with can you help me understand what you mean by a deep dark place by a deep dark place um one of you my favorite stream that i've watched of you watched of you was the suicidality one was the suicidality one because because it explained the it explained the the the phases and the spectrum of all the the phases and the spectrum of all of it and how every single one is of it and how every single one is dangerous every single every single step dangerous every single every single step of it is important of it is important um um because because i think one of the ways you phrased it i think one of the ways you phrased it was was how i was sleeping like man i don't want how i was sleeping like man i don't want to wake up tomorrow to wake up tomorrow and i'm going to like actively stop and i'm going to like actively stop myself from waking up tomorrow and myself from waking up tomorrow and things like that i'm like on the left things like that i'm like on the left side of like i don't want to wake up side of like i don't want to wake up tomorrow because tomorrow because if it gets to that point where i'm like if it gets to that point where i'm like kind of just running through in my head

kind of just running through in my head i feel that like man i don't want to go i feel that like man i don't want to go to sleep to sleep i don't want to wake up tomorrow so i'm i don't want to wake up tomorrow so i'm just like i'm just going to stay up but just like i'm just going to stay up but i don't want to i don't want to stay up i don't want to i don't want to stay up i just want this night to be over and i i just want this night to be over and i like end up running through the circle like end up running through the circle and and what's helped me with that is writing what's helped me with that is writing actually i've become big big into actually i've become big big into writing i actually writing i actually i i restarted my high school blog and i i restarted my high school blog and i've been writing i've been writing on i've been writing i've been writing on stuff like that stuff like that and um especially these last like three weeks weeks it's been pretty it's been pretty pretty bad because a lot of stuff that's pretty bad because a lot of stuff that's happened in the past is coming up and happened in the past is coming up and like specifically my my best friend like specifically my my best friend uh uh itching me um i'll just kind of explain itching me um i'll just kind of explain what happened um and new year's new what happened um and new year's new year's eve year's eve of 2000 of 2000 just just this last new year's eve i had just just this last new year's eve i had three buddies that i really really three buddies that i really really wanted to hang out with wanted to hang out with like each one of them bailed on me and like each one of them bailed on me and went to their own parties and it wasn't went to their own parties and it wasn't like oh like i'm doing this instead of like oh like i'm doing this instead of this dom like come hang out with me like this dom like come hang out with me like i called him i was like hey what what

i called him i was like hey what what time do you want me to pick you up he's time do you want me to pick you up he's like oh sorry dude like like oh sorry dude like i'm so plastered right now i'm already i'm so plastered right now i'm already at this one thing i gotta i'm gonna stay at this one thing i gotta i'm gonna stay here and then he hung up right and i was here and then he hung up right and i was like oh like oh cool like awesome cool like awesome and and then i ended up going to this one other then i ended up going to this one other party with someone else and he ended up party with someone else and he ended up leaving halfway through the party and leaving halfway through the party and like i had to find a ride home talking like i had to find a ride home talking you know talking to other people and you know talking to other people and when i don't think i really processed it then because now because now when something like that happens when something like that happens i just i just fall apart i just i i fall apart and fall apart i just i i fall apart and and again i need to go take a walk and i and again i need to go take a walk and i need to go take a thing and like again need to go take a thing and like again when you fall apart what is happening in when you fall apart what is happening in your mind not wanting to exist i'm just gonna be honest i'm just gonna be frank and i'm honest i'm just gonna be frank and i'm just gonna be honest and i i'm not gonna just gonna be honest and i i'm not gonna try and try and because i don't know who's gonna watch because i don't know who's gonna watch this right it's it's scary speaking this this right it's it's scary speaking this to the world to the world um because who knows in a week my

um because who knows in a week my buddies i'm talking about watch this and buddies i'm talking about watch this and i freak you know they're like why didn't i freak you know they're like why didn't you talk to me and it's like dude you talk to me and it's like dude so continuing so continuing um just not wanting to exist um just not wanting to exist it's truly like that it's not like man i it's truly like that it's not like man i want to kill myself it's like i just want to kill myself it's like i just don't want to be here i don't i don't don't want to be here i don't i don't want to want to have this you know what is your have this you know what is your experience of existence in that moment experience of existence in that moment dude it's dude it's it's it's it's weird it's it's it's weird it it it it one one one way is like i'll like look one one one way is like i'll like look at myself in the mirror at myself in the mirror i'll be like seeing someone else like i'll be like seeing someone else like look at me i'm like that like i don't look at me i'm like that like i don't want that right like it kind of gets want that right like it kind of gets like that i'm like i need to get outside like that i'm like i need to get outside right so i'll go outside what does the other person see when they look in the mirror look in the mirror dude that thing is like i don't know dude that thing is like i don't know it's not like something like it's not like something like it's not like it's not like i'm like talking to it or like i'm like talking to it or like communicating it's like that's just like communicating it's like that's just like i look at it and like that's not me

i look at it and like that's not me right so i end up needing like a right so i end up needing like a sensation so like i'll splash cold water sensation so like i'll splash cold water in my face i'll go outside like feel in my face i'll go outside like feel wind right if i'm inside there's like no wind right if i'm inside there's like no wind and like if i feel the wind i'm wind and like if i feel the wind i'm like okay like cool cool right um like okay like cool cool right um something that i actually something that i actually uh uh do a lot now after watching your do a lot now after watching your suicidality stream suicidality stream is is i used to i used to i used to want to just go get drunk i used to want to just go get drunk i've never drank before which was the i've never drank before which was the weirdest thing to me right and i didn't weirdest thing to me right and i didn't think much of it until i watched your think much of it until i watched your suicidality stream suicidality stream and you're telling me about how and you're telling me about how quickly the decision of suicide is how quickly the decision of suicide is how quickly decision of suicide is made quickly decision of suicide is made and how much alcohol propagates that and how much alcohol propagates that like how much it swings that like how much it swings that um um because one for some reason i've always because one for some reason i've always been fascinated quote-unquote like my been fascinated quote-unquote like my suicide side's always been fascinated suicide side's always been fascinated with getting hit by a car with getting hit by a car and like stepping in front of a train and like stepping in front of a train and just something quick like a hard and just something quick like a hard impact and i get the sense that like

impact and i get the sense that like when i do when i do like i'll just i'll just free fall and like i'll just i'll just free fall and i'll fall through the air and i'll roll i'll fall through the air and i'll roll and then like my life is out of my hands and then like my life is out of my hands you know you know and like and like it's it's so it's so weird because all i it's it's so it's so weird because all i got got i after watch again after watching your i after watch again after watching your suicidality stream suicidality stream um i look back at my life and realize um i look back at my life and realize like that's been a thing like that's been a thing throughout my whole life i'd drive to throughout my whole life i'd drive to track practices or track workouts or track practices or track workouts or track meets where i really didn't want track meets where i really didn't want to go i'd say to myself like man i to go i'd say to myself like man i really wish a car would just hit me like really wish a car would just hit me like man i just i really wish i just man i just i really wish i just not have to do not have to do what i'm about to do right what i'm about to do right and i used to not think it was a big and i used to not think it was a big deal because i didn't have a plan right deal because i didn't have a plan right i didn't i'm not planning on suicide i didn't i'm not planning on suicide it's not like this and you're telling me it's not like this and you're telling me you are telling me you're like this is you are telling me you're like this is scary right scary right and then i believed it so instead of and then i believed it so instead of indulging in alcohol when i go on these indulging in alcohol when i go on these walks i'll buy a bunch of candy i'll walks i'll buy a bunch of candy i'll just just eat all the candy i'll drink soda eat all the candy i'll drink soda um um i'll you know get an energy and i eat

i'll you know get an energy and i eat healthy i drink milk healthy i drink milk so like these moments i kind of like so like these moments i kind of like indulge myself and indulge myself and step away from that kind of stuff so anyways sorry how long have you been having sorry how long have you been having these um thoughts of just wanting to these um thoughts of just wanting to escape from your situation escape from your situation um um a long time a really really long time a long time a really really long time it's not it's not like an everyday thing yeah do you do you remember how old you were when you first had these kinds of were when you first had these kinds of thoughts i guess the first like prevalent sentence of like i want to escape sentence of like i want to escape was my had to have been sophomore year of high school because i sophomore year of high school because i had dreads i had long dreads back in had dreads i had long dreads back in high school it was super cool high school it was super cool um um i was driving and i just finished a i was driving and i just finished a track meet and we actually won the track track meet and we actually won the track meet and i destroyed i

meet and i destroyed i was carrying the big trophy i had four was carrying the big trophy i had four gold medals gold medals and we went to we went to a restaurant a and we went to we went to a restaurant a popular burger joint popular burger joint that that it's tradition in my community that when it's tradition in my community that when when your sport your team does well you when your sport your team does well you go to the burger joint right you go eat go to the burger joint right you go eat the burgers the burgers and we went to the burger joint the bus and we went to the burger joint the bus dropped us off and everything dropped us off and everything and and had a great time and i was driving home had a great time and i was driving home i just felt so alone i just felt so alone and i just felt like everyone there was and i just felt like everyone there was just like congratulating me only because just like congratulating me only because um um because i was an athlete and i was good because i was an athlete and i was good right right um because i also i grew up in a really um because i also i grew up in a really really white area and like they only really white area and like they only talked to me because i was black and talked to me because i was black and things like that things like that and and i was driving and i was driving and i i was driving and i was driving and i just i started speeding up i was like i just i started speeding up i was like i don't want this i don't want this or i don't want this i don't want this or i want this and there was a there was a want this and there was a there was a stone wall stone wall at the end of the street and like i was at the end of the street and like i was fixated on like driving into the stone fixated on like driving into the stone wall wall and just and just like getting in a car wreck like getting in a car wreck and i ended up slowing down you know i

and i ended up slowing down you know i didn't i didn't go through with it but i didn't i didn't go through with it but i think that was like the first think that was like the first like sentence of like i don't want this like sentence of like i don't want this like first like conscious thought like first like conscious thought because i guess you can you know we because i guess you can you know we could talk about escapism through movies could talk about escapism through movies and video games throughout my whole life and video games throughout my whole life like that was the first time where it like that was the first time where it like manifested into action you know like manifested into action you know yeah it sounds quite scary yeah and i just again like i don't know i and i just again like i don't know i didn't really acknowledge it until you didn't really acknowledge it until you know recently where i was like oh wow know recently where i was like oh wow like so dawn like so dawn that's the first time it became manifest that's the first time it became manifest but but i feel like we've talked about i feel like we've talked about the sentiment of i don't want this the sentiment of i don't want this before over the course of this before over the course of this conversation does anything come to your mind about what we've talked about that you really what we've talked about that you really didn't want and really didn't like didn't want and really didn't like yeah i mean yeah i mean especially within this conversation like especially within this conversation like my own parents didn't want my parents my own parents didn't want my parents uh

uh a life situation i didn't want to be a life situation i didn't want to be poor growing up you know didn't want to poor growing up you know didn't want to move around a bunch move around a bunch um um i mean even if you really if you really i mean even if you really if you really look deep into what we've talked about look deep into what we've talked about but i can no because like i didn't want but i can no because like i didn't want to be a track athlete i had before i was to be a track athlete i had before i was forced to be a track athlete in a sense forced to be a track athlete in a sense by my mom by my mom um um i didn't i d sometimes you know i didn't i d sometimes you know i don't want to be black especially i don't want to be black especially growing up around here um with with my growing up around here um with with my own dad i mean own dad i mean it's it's the little things because we'd it's it's the little things because we'd be at a gas station right be at a gas station right i'm like six one right i'm 12 years old i'm like six one right i'm 12 years old and i'm like six one my dad's still i and i'm like six one my dad's still i still like dad's still five two and all still like dad's still five two and all my younger siblings are my younger siblings are tiny white people right tiny white people right and and we're we're at the gas station getting we're we're at the gas station getting drinks and treats and i put my stuff drinks and treats and i put my stuff next to my siblings the register person next to my siblings the register person said like is he with you to my family said like is he with you to my family right right um because you know um because you know no fault on them because i looked like a no fault on them because i looked like a young man

young man trying to sneak some kibbles and trying to sneak some kibbles and freaking with this with this nice white freaking with this with this nice white family right family right so it's like even a sense of like i so it's like even a sense of like i don't want to be white or black i want don't want to be white or black i want to be white you know and like dude i to be white you know and like dude i remember remember oh my gosh this is a weird memory that oh my gosh this is a weird memory that just showed up i remember wanting my just showed up i remember wanting my hair to look like justin bieber's hair to look like justin bieber's because it wouldn't because everyone because it wouldn't because everyone loved justin bieber i was a kid i was loved justin bieber i was a kid i was like man i want to look like that but my like man i want to look like that but my hair curls you know my hair doesn't do hair curls you know my hair doesn't do that right that right i remember i remember getting like gel getting like gel and like making it like a mohawk like and like making it like a mohawk like like like all the other kids in like like like all the other kids in like 2006 you know 2007 they all have that 2006 you know 2007 they all have that like spiky mohawk and they're wearing like spiky mohawk and they're wearing their monster shirts right and i wanted their monster shirts right and i wanted to look like that because that's what to look like that because that's what everybody else looks like you know everybody else looks like you know and my siblings didn't even look like me and my siblings didn't even look like me you know no one looked like me growing you know no one looked like me growing up up and i guess like even that can be like a and i guess like even that can be like a sense of like i don't want this i don't sense of like i don't want this i don't want to be want to be you know you know to be or not to be to be or not to be what makes the difference

what makes the difference that's that's one of my writing that's that's that's one of my writing that's from that's from my blog so maybe i'll from that's from my blog so maybe i'll post a link in chat go read my blog all right don so i i think um don so i i think um thank you so much for sharing all that thank you so much for sharing all that uh don't worry you know for what it's uh don't worry you know for what it's worth i say this with love i think you'd worth i say this with love i think you'd look absolutely ridiculous with the look absolutely ridiculous with the justin bieber haircut justin bieber haircut he did i looked so bad i went to the he did i looked so bad i went to the museum with it because my friends were museum with it because my friends were taking me to the museum it was so bad taking me to the museum it was so bad dude oh dude oh poor poor 10 year old dom he just wanted poor poor 10 year old dom he just wanted to be cool he just wanted to look good to be cool he just wanted to look good you know and i i think i think here we you know and i i think i think here we see the you know the stuck between two see the you know the stuck between two worlds right like it makes sense man worlds right like it makes sense man like you have you have this conflict like you have you have this conflict you really are like the chosen one in in you really are like the chosen one in in the last of you're like the last of the the last of you're like the last of the uchiha it's like do you want to be in uchiha it's like do you want to be in do you want to be like one of these do you want to be like one of these good homies from konoha like which one good homies from konoha like which one do you want to be i'd rather

do you want to be i'd rather freaking i'd be sure i'd be shikamaru freaking i'd be sure i'd be shikamaru i'd want to be shikamara if i was a i'd want to be shikamara if i was a naruto character but naruto character but it's it's tough dude tough dude because i i mean i i'm seeing the the because i i mean i i'm seeing the the you know 10 year old with justin bieber you know 10 year old with justin bieber haircut or the bass playing dreadlock haircut or the bass playing dreadlock style oh the two the two sides of the same coin man coin man same person though that's the craziest same person though that's the craziest thing to me it's like it's thing to me it's like it's also that's the same person that's all also that's the same person that's all within me you know within me you know it's hard to like hate one side of it it's hard to like hate one side of it and be like oh i can't do that because and be like oh i can't do that because that's it's i truly want that right that's it's i truly want that right that's something that not it's not that's something that not it's not foreign right so don i'm gonna actually foreign right so don i'm gonna actually disagree with you a little bit disagree with you a little bit i don't think either of those is you i don't think either of those is you okay i think it's fine for you to want okay i think it's fine for you to want those things i think that want is those things i think that want is genuine but i think actually your genuine but i think actually your journey is about figuring out who you journey is about figuring out who you are are not what you want to be

not what you want to be what you want to be is not who you are what you want to be is not who you are it's what you want to be it's what you want to be i know it sounds kind of weird but like i know it sounds kind of weird but like i don't think either of those things is i don't think either of those things is you you make sense you are not an orc and you make sense you are not an orc and you are not a human are not a human you're a half-orc it's its own thing has you're a half-orc it's its own thing has its own racial bonuses its own racial bonuses has its own stat adjustments and play a half work like an orc you're gonna lose dude if you play a half work gonna lose dude if you play a half work like a human like a human you're gonna lose oh no you're gonna lose oh no right so i think it's like justin bieber right so i think it's like justin bieber haircut bass playing anime t-shirt haircut bass playing anime t-shirt milk drinking milk drinking i actually i almost i almost wore my i actually i almost i almost wore my house moving castle shirt on stream yeah house moving castle shirt on stream yeah and i've been like oh no i can't do that and i've been like oh no i can't do that right and i i don't know exactly what i right and i i don't know exactly what i mean by that i don't know how you figure mean by that i don't know how you figure out who you are but out who you are but i i do think that i am getting the sense i i do think that i am getting the sense of um you know just in terms of the of um you know just in terms of the you know it sounded like an ad for the

you know it sounded like an ad for the suicidality stream which is kind of suicidality stream which is kind of awesome dude it's awesome dude that awesome dude it's awesome dude that stream okay literally changed my life stream okay literally changed my life literally so you know i don't literally so you know i don't i should probably say this for legal i should probably say this for legal reasons but seriously don i don't know reasons but seriously don i don't know if you've ever worked with a therapist i if you've ever worked with a therapist i don't know if you you know if you're in don't know if you you know if you're in college and stuff there may be like college and stuff there may be like student health resources i think it's student health resources i think it's like not a bad idea like not a bad idea um especially in your case i think um especially in your case i think there's a lot that you could work there's a lot that you could work through in terms of your parents divorce through in terms of your parents divorce kind of figuring out who you are and kind of figuring out who you are and most importantly if you really do most importantly if you really do having thoughts of not wanting to be having thoughts of not wanting to be there is actually like a normal human there is actually like a normal human experience experience uh going to bed and wishing you never uh going to bed and wishing you never wake up is a normal human experience wake up is a normal human experience and also you know and also you know driving down a road and speeding up and driving down a road and speeding up and looking longingly at a brick wall is looking longingly at a brick wall is [ __ ] dangerous [ __ ] dangerous right and and so this has been my right and and so this has been my experience as a psychiatrist which is experience as a psychiatrist which is like it's almost like rng it's like like it's almost like rng it's like you're opening a loot box and 99 times you're opening a loot box and 99 times out of a hundred you won't you'll slow

out of a hundred you won't you'll slow down down but the whole point of that suicidality but the whole point of that suicidality stream was explaining to people that stream was explaining to people that like it can be and ultimately it's like it can be and ultimately it's usually an impulsive decision i'm not usually an impulsive decision i'm not worried about you like in this moment it worried about you like in this moment it doesn't you know i'm not gonna pick up doesn't you know i'm not gonna pick up the phone and call 9-1-1 because i'm not the phone and call 9-1-1 because i'm not getting that sense from you and at the getting that sense from you and at the same time it's worth taking very same time it's worth taking very seriously seriously um um i also don't want this i also don't want this conversation to turn into conversation to turn into that i think we're still talking about that i think we're still talking about you and and what i'm hearing from that you and and what i'm hearing from that is it's just a part of who you are i is it's just a part of who you are i think it's a manifestation of some of think it's a manifestation of some of you trying to figure out like who you you trying to figure out like who you want to be and what you want want to be and what you want i am detecting one hell of a some scar i am detecting one hell of a some scar though that there's something really though that there's something really here about like i don't like this i here about like i don't like this i don't want it this is not don't want it this is not and and and and it's interesting because you really it's interesting because you really describe it um like a trigger right like describe it um like a trigger right like if if you have an interpersonal letdown if if you have an interpersonal letdown by someone that you care about by someone that you care about you feel very acutely unloved

you feel very acutely unloved and that that can feel like a very and that that can feel like a very intolerable state intolerable state that is absolutely something that it is that is absolutely something that it is worth seeing a therapist about because worth seeing a therapist about because the real the real thing there is you the real the real thing there is you know we don't we haven't asked you much know we don't we haven't asked you much about your personal relationships but about your personal relationships but the reason i think that's really work the reason i think that's really work worth working on if if you or anyone worth working on if if you or anyone else has that kind of experience is that else has that kind of experience is that if you do wind up in a romantic if you do wind up in a romantic relationship that's important to you relationship that's important to you that will rear its ugly head that will rear its ugly head because they are not going to be because they are not going to be available to you 24 7. available to you 24 7. right so you're going to get that thing right so you're going to get that thing is going to be triggered even if you're is going to be triggered even if you're in a relationship with someone who in a relationship with someone who really loves you and cares about you so really loves you and cares about you so understanding that experience is kind of understanding that experience is kind of important and being able to work through important and being able to work through it i feel like i should advise you or guide you in some way what do you think don you in some way what do you think don is it enough to talk about what we

is it enough to talk about what we talked about or do you want some sort of talked about or do you want some sort of like plan it's been it's been it's been nice to just talk it's been it's been nice to just talk about it about it um because i've tried talking about it um because i've tried talking about it with people in my life but it never with people in my life but it never came out like this in like a cohesive came out like this in like a cohesive way you know way you know always be always be like i'll start talking and we'll hyper like i'll start talking and we'll hyper focus on one thing and i'll feel like focus on one thing and i'll feel like nothing happened you know like i didn't nothing happened you know like i didn't talk about anything actually talk about anything actually um um so much as like a plan so much as like a plan i i'm i i'm a bit unsure like again like a bit unsure like again like you kind of just like disagreeing with you kind of just like disagreeing with me in like the sense that i'm i'm not me in like the sense that i'm i'm not who i want to be like that's that's a who i want to be like that's that's a that's a cool thought like i've never that's a cool thought like i've never thought about that thought about that and like a big reason i did want to and like a big reason i did want to reach out was i reach out was i i saw how you talked and like i saw how you talked and like bug bug ideas out of people you know with your ideas out of people you know with your your probing questions your probing questions and i was like man like that's that's and i was like man like that's that's awesome and like even like the life awesome and like even like the life coaches like i think those would be

coaches like i think those would be you know they're trained to do the you know they're trained to do the basically same things and like that basically same things and like that i don't i don't think i'm helpless you i don't i don't think i'm helpless you know i don't think know i don't think like sometimes sometimes i do feel like like sometimes sometimes i do feel like chained to the ground right and like all chained to the ground right and like all these chains or my vices you know these chains or my vices you know like i don't i think like i don't i think i think the key is within me to those i think the key is within me to those chains you know and like i have i have chains you know and like i have i have to find them to find them whether or not i go like a psychiatrist whether or not i go like a psychiatrist isn't going to fix me isn't going to fix me psychiatrists will help me fix me right psychiatrists will help me fix me right a psychiatrist will do all that within a psychiatrist will do all that within their power to their power to fix me fix me like that kind of applies to you like i like that kind of applies to you like i don't i don't think i don't think anything that we figure out within you know the next whatever out within you know the next whatever minutes we have left or we do minutes we have left or we do is going to be like is going to be like the golden standard it'll definitely the golden standard it'll definitely help and anything you do say that helps help and anything you do say that helps but like again i think listening but like again i think listening has helped and like just discussing has helped and like just discussing and and a throwback back and forth and talking a throwback back and forth and talking to someone who knows nothing about me

to someone who knows nothing about me like exploring me with that person is i like exploring me with that person is i think valuable and i've think valuable and i've it's like you have helped in a sense it's like you have helped in a sense you've made me feel better within as you've made me feel better within as well like as as cheesy as that sounds well like as as cheesy as that sounds like that morale bonuses are no jokes yeah so don i'm very happy to hear that uh uh and i think i think that you know uh uh and i think i think that you know that if if you take one thing away from that if if you take one thing away from the conversation it's the conversation it's you know what you kind of said about you know what you kind of said about you're not who you want to be you're not who you want to be because yeah because yeah and and because i i think that like who and and because i i think that like who you because i i know it sounds kind of you because i i know it sounds kind of weird but i think twitch chat knows the weird but i think twitch chat knows the real you that's scary i think i know the real you and i think that dude's absolutely a and i think that dude's absolutely a chat he's not a chat in the way that chat he's not a chat in the way that like you're you know like you're you know not in the traditional sense but i i not in the traditional sense but i i think we've gotten to see the real you think we've gotten to see the real you today today and i have like absolute faith in that and i have like absolute faith in that person i think the only problem is you person i think the only problem is you get so confused

get so confused about about being what you think you should be being what you think you should be like like being human or being or being human or being or either direction either direction that you don't really acknowledge that that you don't really acknowledge that you're really a half work you're really a half work because i think it's fine for you to because i think it's fine for you to have a you know howl's moving castle have a you know howl's moving castle t-shirt when you play bass and i think t-shirt when you play bass and i think we we actually all know we know who you we we actually all know we know who you are i mean you've made it pretty clear are i mean you've made it pretty clear yeah from the get-go that you can yeah from the get-go that you can eat healthy and like you know take care eat healthy and like you know take care of yourself and be physically in shape of yourself and be physically in shape and learn how to play bass guitar and and learn how to play bass guitar and spend you know weekend here there spend you know weekend here there watching attack on titan like that's act watching attack on titan like that's act that sounds great sounds sounds like that sounds great sounds sounds like you're done actually you're done actually you know you know and that's that's the really weird thing and that's that's the really weird thing which i'd really encourage you to think which i'd really encourage you to think about is that you have all these goals about is that you have all these goals for like what you want to be but like i for like what you want to be but like i think if you just keep on growing the think if you just keep on growing the person that you are as opposed to person that you are as opposed to striving for a particular goal you'll striving for a particular goal you'll end up end up in a really good place

in a really good place i think if you even i know it sounds i think if you even i know it sounds kind of weird but i think you're in a kind of weird but i think you're in a pretty decent place it sounds like you pretty decent place it sounds like you do deal with a lot of like negative do deal with a lot of like negative emotions that can come up emotions that can come up but you'll you know but you'll you know that process that process how can i say this how can i say this you know the goal the way you deal with you know the goal the way you deal with those emotions is by living through them those emotions is by living through them with a certain amount of like with a certain amount of like thoughtfulness and attention thoughtfulness and attention right like it could be journaling on right like it could be journaling on your blog it could be seeing a therapist your blog it could be seeing a therapist it could be it could be you know you know talking to your coach i don't know if talking to your coach i don't know if your parents know about your struggles your parents know about your struggles it sounds like they kind of don't but it sounds like they kind of don't but like that's where you know giving them like that's where you know giving them an opportunity to like letting your dad an opportunity to like letting your dad be your dad be your dad you know telling him hey dad you know telling him hey dad did you ever like did you ever like think that like think that like maybe playing games like did it ever maybe playing games like did it ever interfere with your life because i feel interfere with your life because i feel like like you know sometimes like you know you you know sometimes like you know you tell them the story you told us about tell them the story you told us about the coach and the training schedule and

the coach and the training schedule and stuff like that tell your mom right and stuff like that tell your mom right and be prepared for them to not be prepared for them to not be able to listen to you be able to listen to you because your mom will be like what the because your mom will be like what the hell is wrong with you stop playing hell is wrong with you stop playing games right just stop so you'll get that games right just stop so you'll get that from your mom sorry whoops from your mom sorry whoops just turn off the computer silly yeah just turn off the computer silly yeah but i mean you know i think it could be but i mean you know i think it could be a really like a really like connecting conversation to ask your dad connecting conversation to ask your dad like really not in a judgment sort of like really not in a judgment sort of way but say hey dad i'm struggling with way but say hey dad i'm struggling with this did you ever struggle with it and i think that the last bit that i would tell you is you know on a given would tell you is you know on a given day i know it sounds kind of weird but i day i know it sounds kind of weird but i think when you think about the goal think when you think about the goal you can afford to lose a day you can afford to lose a day you can afford because remember the you can afford because remember the attack on titan binge is not a you don't attack on titan binge is not a you don't binge the whole week binge the whole week in a day in a day you binge one day and then the next day you binge one day and then the next day can i afford to watch attack on titan can i afford to watch attack on titan yeah i can kind of get away with it and yeah i can kind of get away with it and then the next day can i kind of get away then the next day can i kind of get away with it it's like yeah i can get away with it it's like yeah i can get away with it with it and so i if there's one question that i

and so i if there's one question that i encourage you to ask yourself is that encourage you to ask yourself is that when it comes to a given task as best as when it comes to a given task as best as you can you can with awareness ask yourself with awareness ask yourself who do i want to be today who do i want to be today do i want to be someone who spends do i want to be someone who spends this hour watching attack on titan this hour watching attack on titan do i want to spend the day being do i want to spend the day being like what's more important to me on this like what's more important to me on this day maybe that's actually the better day maybe that's actually the better question and you may be surprised this question and you may be surprised this is going to be challenging but you may is going to be challenging but you may be surprised because oftentimes the be surprised because oftentimes the answer may be answer may be it's actually really hard for me to go it's actually really hard for me to go and meet up my friends and meet up my friends meet up with my friends down the street meet up with my friends down the street and actually like on this day and in and actually like on this day and in this moment this is actually what i want this moment this is actually what i want to do there can be self-loathing that to do there can be self-loathing that comes with that which is fine comes with that which is fine but you don't want to like pile up the but you don't want to like pile up the self-loathing and then experience it at self-loathing and then experience it at the end of the weekend i want you to the end of the weekend i want you to like deal with each piece as it arises and really just think about you know who do you want to be today

and i think you will find that like the answer will be a half work like the answer will be a half work like you're not going to be an orc and you're you're not going to be an orc and you're not going to be a human not going to be a human today i do today i want to practice bass today i do today i want to practice bass and you know what today anime is more and you know what today anime is more important than bass and on another day important than bass and on another day bass is going to be more important than bass is going to be more important than anime thoughts thank you thank you i mean that's thank you i mean that's first thought is thankfulness i mean first thought is thankfulness i mean that's that's that's some powerful stuff i like that's some powerful stuff i like i really like the idea that i am not i really like the idea that i am not what i want to be what i want to be you know it's not you know it's not it doesn't define it doesn't define who i am like who i am who i am like who i am is the person i wake up as is the person i wake up as you know you know and and that can change you know the ability to that can change you know the ability to change is change is hard but powerful you know hard but powerful you know it's slowly i always i like to say it's slowly i always i like to say well there's a quote well there's a quote history turns on hinges history turns on hinges and i i think that's the same for people and i i think that's the same for people as well as well you know it takes data day by day

you know it takes data day by day to to [Music] [Music] become become yourself you know yourself you know and as long as i'm and as long as i'm taking two days to become this person taking two days to become this person and two days to become the other person and two days to become the other person i'm always gonna be one day in the i'm always gonna be one day in the middle you know and so i'm always gonna middle you know and so i'm always gonna be be just in that weird friction place or you just in that weird friction place or you know i can know i can kind of like accept my person in the kind of like accept my person in the middle you know instead of middle you know instead of they're like oh i need to only be they're like oh i need to only be athlete chad gika chad you know athlete chad gika chad you know and the other side is like i need to be and the other side is like i need to be a a cheesy eating cheesy eating vermintide two player or whatever you vermintide two player or whatever you know who know who cares like cares like i'm you know i'm thankful and it's like i'm you know i'm thankful and it's like it's also something to chew on right it's also something to chew on right because within these like these dark because within these like these dark weekends like i feel like i just sit and weekends like i feel like i just sit and like again just look in the mirror or like again just look in the mirror or not know what to think about and then i not know what to think about and then i end up thinking about things i don't end up thinking about things i don't want to think about you know hard things want to think about you know hard things hurtful things you know and

having that kind of sense of mind that that i can kind of like direct where my i can kind of like direct where my thoughts are going thoughts are going it gives me comfort you know gives me it gives me comfort you know gives me stability i think so i thank you for stability i think so i thank you for that that well you're very welcome don well you're very welcome don did you you're kind of a gig of chad did you you're kind of a gig of chad yourself yourself you know what you know what i did i did not i know it's kind of not i know it's kind of weird but what makes you think i'm a weird but what makes you think i'm a giga chad giga chad dude i have a personal belief that chad dude i have a personal belief that chad it's a mentality thing it's not a it's a mentality thing it's not a physique thing it's not a physique thing it's not a what is the mentality of a giga chad what is the mentality of a giga chad i raise others up that's the thing i i raise others up that's the thing i mean it kind of that kind of ties into mean it kind of that kind of ties into you know what my dad did for me but like you know what my dad did for me but like we're on this planet together bro like we're on this planet together bro like let's raise each other up when i think let's raise each other up when i think about you know people at the gym about you know people at the gym help out the weaker one you know or the help out the weaker one you know or the person who's not doing good form just person who's not doing good form just helping each other out that's a gigan helping each other out that's a gigan chat you know not the chat you know not the 200 pound person who's only looking at 200 pound person who's only looking at himself you know 200 pound uh

himself you know 200 pound uh bodybuilder you know so when i think bodybuilder you know so when i think when i think of gigachat i think of when i think of gigachat i think of people like you you know who's kind of people like you you know who's kind of who has his life set up who has his life set up has his life in a situation that can has his life in a situation that can you know he can live the rest of his you know he can live the rest of his life life than you know on the side like you said than you know on the side like you said you're not a streamer you're not a streamer here you are on twitch helping out here you are on twitch helping out little old me little old me you know with with my mentality and how you know with with my mentality and how many people are watching what 5k people many people are watching what 5k people watching you know who knows if two watching you know who knows if two people in there people in there are being changed to me that that's are being changed to me that that's that's a giga chat so when i say you're that's a giga chat so when i say you're a giga chat that's that's what i think a giga chat that's that's what i think so i'm sure that i look like a giga chad so i'm sure that i look like a giga chad from the outside from the outside but i would say to you don that you and but i would say to you don that you and i are exactly the same i are exactly the same and and i i'm not just i know it sounds and and i i'm not just i know it sounds kind of like oh like that's what a geeky kind of like oh like that's what a geeky chad would say chad would say you know i got that i understand that you know i got that i understand that yeah but but i think this really yeah but but i think this really importantly needs to be understood

importantly needs to be understood the problem don is that when you wake up the problem don is that when you wake up and you try to be anything and you try to be anything that's the mistake that's the mistake like you are what you are right and in like you are what you are right and in that moment you need to ask yourself that moment you need to ask yourself like what do i want to do right now like what do i want to do right now because we think about who i am is because we think about who i am is something that's longitudinal over time something that's longitudinal over time but it's not but it's not who you are is only present in the who you are is only present in the moment moment so i'd agree with you that a lot of giga so i'd agree with you that a lot of giga chads have a mentality and that chads have a mentality and that mentality is to not try to be a chat at mentality is to not try to be a chat at all but just like what do i want to be all but just like what do i want to be in this moment devote yourself fully to in this moment devote yourself fully to like when you went like today i don't like when you went like today i don't know where you are what time zone you're know where you are what time zone you're in but it's friday right in but it's friday right it's 2 15 in central time and so like it's 2 15 in central time and so like what are you gonna do for the rest of what are you gonna do for the rest of the day that's who you are the day that's who you are you cannot like who you are is defined you cannot like who you are is defined by your thoughts and your actions by your thoughts and your actions more importantly your actions more importantly your actions and so like what are you gonna do today and so like what are you gonna do today and be like and it's okay for you to and be like and it's okay for you to like like you know be a degen person from time

you know be a degen person from time like i do it too you know like dinner for me last night like oftentimes i eat healthy but dinner like oftentimes i eat healthy but dinner for me last night was like a leftover for me last night was like a leftover taco taco and like a glass of milk and some indian and like a glass of milk and some indian snacks because it was just it had been a snacks because it was just it had been a long day long day and then today i'm gonna like eat better and then today i'm gonna like eat better you know and and so just you are you're you know and and so just you are you're already exactly what you need to be and already exactly what you need to be and the giga chad is one who realizes that the giga chad is one who realizes that that it's okay to like not be where you that it's okay to like not be where you want to be want to be i like that right i like that right and like the more that you like are you and like the more that you like are you gonna be a professional athlete one day gonna be a professional athlete one day sure why not sure why not but today are you going to be someone but today are you going to be someone who does your practice or not because who does your practice or not because forget about the professional athletes forget about the professional athletes like what are you going to be today like what are you going to be today yeah yeah yeah powerful stuff you can't can't skip today man can't skip today man i always want to montage rocky montage

i always want to montage rocky montage my way through my way through through life you know and then show up through life you know and then show up at the end but at the end but exactly so exactly so so one of my mentors once told me that so one of my mentors once told me that no one wants to write a book no one wants to write a book everyone wants to have written a book everyone wants to have written a book yeah that's the problem with the goal yeah that's the problem with the goal mentality right you want like oh i want mentality right you want like oh i want to have a backyard i want a barbecue you to have a backyard i want a barbecue you want you want to be at the end like you want you want to be at the end like you want to be at the end of the story no one wants to live through it yeah dude yeah dude it's true it's true and the biggest paradox is it's the and the biggest paradox is it's the people who chase the end that never get people who chase the end that never get there there and it's the people who let go of the and it's the people who let go of the end that are the ones that become the end that are the ones that become the giga chats so i do you meditate i i've been trying to um usually in the i i've been trying to um usually in the mornings mornings sometimes i just fall asleep and it's i sometimes i just fall asleep and it's i always laugh myself

always laugh myself that's okay so if you fall asleep while that's okay so if you fall asleep while meditating meditating um um i i that just means your body needs sleep so so that's okay stock stock stock um um but i i'd give you one practice but i i'd give you one practice uh uh let me just think about this let me just think about this so you say that sometimes you look in so you say that sometimes you look in the mirror the mirror and and you don't like what you see you don't like what you see yeah it's it's like a mix of like not yeah it's it's like a mix of like not liking what i see and like not liking what i see and like not recognizing it and that it's kind of recognizing it and that it's kind of like why i don't like it like it's not like why i don't like it like it's not it's not me you know it's not it's not me you know it's not i just don't like it you know i just don't like it you know whether or not how i get there whether or not how i get there i don't like it i don't like it so i know it sounds kind of weird but so i know it sounds kind of weird but i'd say do any one of our meditation i'd say do any one of our meditation practices practices like uh alternate nostril breathing or like uh alternate nostril breathing or anything like that and then i want you anything like that and then i want you to go and look in a mirror

to go and look in a mirror and then you're gonna say to yourself and then you're gonna say to yourself that's not me which is great then i want that's not me which is great then i want you to go and sit and close your eyes you to go and sit and close your eyes and then ask yourself and then ask yourself what about that person is not you what about that person is not you and if that isn't you then who are you and if that isn't you then who are you and try to figure out like if this and try to figure out like if this because i agree actually because i agree actually what you see in the mirror is not you what you see in the mirror is not you then then who are you be careful about doing this when you're in a dark place though okay the reason i in a dark place though okay the reason i say like doing alternate nostrils do say like doing alternate nostrils do something else first because if you're something else first because if you're in a dark place in a dark place what you'll notice you can even do this what you'll notice you can even do this but what you'll notice is that all of but what you'll notice is that all of the things that are not you or all of the things that are not you or all of the things that you loathe about the things that you loathe about yourself i wish i was this i should be yourself i wish i was this i should be this you don't want to like give in to this you don't want to like give in to that so in a calm way that so in a calm way just look in the mirror and try to see just look in the mirror and try to see like is this me like is this me and if not then what am i

i like that seems easy enough you know seems easy enough you know so if you fall asleep during formal so if you fall asleep during formal practice it seems like you're a practice it seems like you're a contemplative guy so i'd say that you contemplative guy so i'd say that you may be someone who benefits from a may be someone who benefits from a non-formal meditation practice non-formal meditation practice i definitely recommend one for you down i definitely recommend one for you down the road but for now like put some the road but for now like put some structure around your thoughts structure around your thoughts and every day like you look in a mirror and every day like you look in a mirror every day yeah so then i'd ask yourself what am i today today and is this person me you know and that can be your meditation for now for now are you giving us a link to your blog by are you giving us a link to your blog by the way okay we're sol can't hear you

hello yeah there we go yeah there we go is it is it back to normal is it is it back to normal it sounds different but it sounds different but it's like echoing but don't worry about it's like echoing but don't worry about it i mean we're basically just get send it i mean we're basically just get send your link your link all right all right i just posted it do i just post it in chat chat oh is are you dom windu oh is are you dom windu i am dong windu it may be that you can't i am dong windu it may be that you can't post a link because mine is so showing post a link because mine is so showing is edited is edited okay okay okay so this is what you message dm it okay so this is what you message dm it to me i may be able to post it um it's my old high school blog so it's my old high school blog so you know if you want people to read it you know if you want people to read it yeah please go ahead and read it okay yeah please go ahead and read it okay um um yeah so dom thanks a lot for coming on yeah so dom thanks a lot for coming on man man oh no thanks for having me you guys oh no thanks for having me you guys really really you know put a smile on my face and

you know put a smile on my face and that's that goes a long ways for a lot that's that goes a long ways for a lot of people of people so i'm gonna leave one last thing for so i'm gonna leave one last thing for you okay this could be hard you okay this could be hard but i want you to recognize that at some but i want you to recognize that at some point somewhere around down the line point somewhere around down the line someone here may be listening to you and someone here may be listening to you and be like wow dom seems a lot like me be like wow dom seems a lot like me or maybe they'll think he isn't because or maybe they'll think he isn't because he's he's more chat he's chad touched he's he's more chat he's chad touched and i'm not and i'm not but but dom i'm gonna put some awkward dom i'm gonna put some awkward responsibility on you which may be a responsibility on you which may be a little bit unfair but i think you need little bit unfair but i think you need to learn how to to learn how to be the person that you really want to be be the person that you really want to be if that involves playing bass then learn if that involves playing bass then learn how to play bass how to play bass and then come back and tell us and then come back and tell us what you've learned or how you've grown i know it's it's a lot of responsibility but i i want people to understand that but i i want people to understand that like if they connect with you like you like if they connect with you like you now have a responsibility to each and

now have a responsibility to each and every person who's watching every person who's watching to see if like you can do it and maybe this is a mistake maybe i'm burdening you too much but like there burdening you too much but like there are people out there who are going to are people out there who are going to think that it can't be done i could do that you know what you know what everyone you know it's crazy to me to think that someone else is invested you know someone else is invested you know someone i've never met someone i've never met is now invested in me is now invested in me and always you look up to heroes and media who you look up to heroes and media who do what you're asking me to do do what you're asking me to do and and i think i'm willing to commit to that i think i'm willing to commit to that i'm willing to commit to i'm willing to commit to not only improving myself for myself not only improving myself for myself but for someone else

but for someone else that that seems pretty chat like for me that that seems pretty chat like for me you know to me you know to me good good really figuring it out i can i'll accept really figuring it out i can i'll accept that okay cool that okay cool thank you very much because i can't do thank you very much because i can't do it alone bro it alone bro i'm here for you man i'm here for you man awesome i'll do it for dr k awesome i'll do it for dr k leader do it for for twitch chat leader do it for for twitch chat the twitch chat the twitch chat oh man for the chatars the chat ours oh man for the chatars the chat ours i'll do it for you boys i'll do it for i'll do it for you boys i'll do it for you boys man let's go freaking go you boys man let's go freaking go let's go let's go absolutely take care man i'm getting pumped i'm getting pumped okay good so then do getting pumped okay good so then do something good for the rest of the day something good for the rest of the day man i'm excited that this is a new wow wow amazing thank you doctor okay amazing thank you doctor okay good luck good luck thank you have a good one bye thank you have a good one bye see you guys see you guys all right chat let's go you guys heard all right chat let's go you guys heard it from dom right it from dom right so like for each and every one of you so like for each and every one of you we're not gonna let dom do it alone

we're not gonna let dom do it alone because he may need us